I am at peace and comforted with my decision to once again address his resistance to any healing, and accept his choice, and honor mine as well. Yes, I am angry….but that is an issue that I need to deal with and heal from. Without that anger, I don’t think I would have been able to successfully separate myself from the ‘pull’ that was holding me captive in a dark, evil place.
502 days ago, I ended a post with the above.
It was the day after Ben left, the day our intimate relationship ended, the day my complete healing began.
It’s quite amazing actually, I think back to my state of mind 502 days ago and compare it to today, and all that I prayed for has come to fruition. I was not comfortable back then in my anger and resentment and I longed to be free from it. Those emotions only led to the weapon of Satan himself, confusion. It was difficult for me back then to fully comprehend if my feelings were attributing to the default of the relationship or not. This in turn created doubt within me and I was quickly being defeated by the Master Deceiver.
Three weeks ago, I received a call from Ben; he had finished this stage of his employment on the pipeline in NV, and after visiting his daughter in San Diego, he said he would be passing through my area on his way home to Indiana. I asked if he would stop by for a visit, and to meet the new members of my family; my mustang & burro babies and my Bloodhound. He replied he would if he was invited.
I got a call on a Friday afternoon, he was in the area. We met for a drink after I finished work, visited for about an hour, and planned on him coming to the ranch the next day. That evening, he half listened to what had been happening in my life for the 502 days since we had seen each other (there was a brief visit in that interim when he was in the area in October heading up to work in NV, we visited among friends in Tombstone) and the conversation spiraled onto the ‘all about him’ phase. I knew this was his narcissism, and I felt empathy for him as I now understand he is a ‘victim’ of the ruler of darkness. I was held captive for an hour and a half longer than I had wanted listening to his stories of his 502 days; not wanting to be rude, I gave him my full attention.
The next day, we visited, spent a few moments with the horses, he helped set my AC unit up, then the afternoon was spent talking about his phone(?!).. a new toy..I offered to take him for a bite to eat before he left and that went fairly well. He allowed Marie to even sit next to him at the table, and never cringed over the sounds of other people crunching on chips and salsa. You see, he has a problem with OCD as well.
It was early evening, we came back to the ranch, said good-bye and he heading for home. For two days during his drive, he was texting me, sending me pics of various things ie: semi load of hay and the communication between us was positive and simple.
My reason for writing this post, 502 days ago I was a very angry lady, bitter, overwhelmed, confused, scared, depressed and unforgiving. I couldn’t see that light at the end of that dark tunnel, that place where I desired to be. I was consumed with negative emotions. I can recall Ben saying at various times with what appeared to be sincerity, that if we separate, he would wish that we could remain friends. I used to chuckle to myself with that ‘Yeah right’ attitude.
Today, I’m there, healing is possible, I have forgiven, and the only residual emotion that remains from the four years of hell is a bit of depression and a longing to have a compatible companion, a helper in my life. But those feelings were there before Ben & I ever met and throughout the four years together. He was never a ‘helper’ to me, but more like a dependent, I carried the weight of the relationship obligations entirely.
I haven’t heard much from him for three weeks now, but I no longer ponder the aspects of it. It doesn’t matter. Our days together will be no more, and a friendship does remain. I no longer have to take it personal if he doesn’t call or communicate, and I can almost guess he’s so deeply involved with his issues of narcissism & OCD that he cannot communicate. He purchased a new truck when he went home, and I am sure it is consuming all his time.
502 days, and I am free!
My Perspectives of Spirituality in Abuse 