Waiting…

Thrown into the depths of darkness, banished from the lives of my grandson’s…my happiness stolen. I’m drained, sad, confused.

I know the source of this misery, yet still a Warrior in training on how to fight, how to reclaim the Life that I’ve been robbed of. A million thought’s race through my mind…and knowing time is precious and quickly passing; the urgency for Healing strains my body, my soul, my spirit. Great disappointment settles in my gut, how my daughter’s are deceived and blinded. I wonder, how do they justify their reasoning, thought’s, their actions?? Do they find strength in treating the one who raised them, who played a vital part in their existence; the one who loves and cared for them with such vile?? Do they feel empowered by persecuting their own Mother? What is the answer to resolution? As a child of God and a follower of Jesus Christ how do I completely cope with this? I need answers Father…I need complete understanding…. I need to know the direction I should be going in…I can’t do this without You! Let me hear Your Voice of Truth and Understanding…..Please lift the darkness from my heart and the doubts racing through my mind…Bind the curses that hold my peace captive and place them in the abyss. Strengthen me Father so I am a mighty warrior in Christ with an Anointing of the Holy Spirit. In each of these situations Father; reveal to me what I am to do…..

Psalm 119:61 ~ Though the cords of the wicked ensnare me, I do not forget your law.

To my oldest, Marie….

I understand on that day the fears and stress you were holding in your heart….as you attacked me I felt every bit of your anguish. I witnessed your confusion. I stood before you with an earnest desire to be a ‘Help’ to you in resolving your pain. Your attack increased and you continue your persecution of me yet today, six month’s later…All your hateful words on that day and your display of disrespect in front of your children, my grandchildren; has left a scar upon my heart. (This is very difficult for me to meditate on and to put into words, I am worn). I recently watched a little video that Grace recorded of Jr. It was around my birthday and Grace was asking Jr to talk to me in the video. At 5 years old I noticed an obvious change in Jr.’s belief’s of me, his grandmother. A beautiful, innocent, pure little boys perspectives on who and what his Gramma is had been stolen and manipulated as if all he had come to know on his own and in his own heart was a lie, a deception. Through your desire to control you have deliberately removed the joy, peace, and truth that a little boy and a grandmother shared in their time together. You have willfully replaced all that is good with sadness, confusion, hatred, disrespect, despair, and darkness. How do you justify your choices of action? How long will you listen to the spirits of darkness? What do you hope to accomplish by perpetuating the lies? Are you ready to accept responsibility for what you have created? I am hurt and angry disappointed that this is the road you have chosen to travel, I did all I knew to do when trying to teach you about the Truth the Light and the Way, never forcing it on you, but ‘helping’ you to be aware so you could through your free will make your own choices. I’m angry disappointed that you have willfully betrayed me and chosen to associate with other’s who chose to live in darkness; and encouraged a child to reject those with Light in their lives and to accept those with darkness in their souls, as if that is the right way…I cannot sit silent, enabling the darkness to win. I never have excepted deception, never will. I do believe however that I have tolerated unknowingly, and I’m not yet clear on what to do to stop tolerating, especially where my grandchildren are involved. I do know enough however to bring the wholeness of the situation into the Light for examination…..I do not keep secret’s, I do not lie….nothing good comes from either of these….Ironic, you are all too familiar with the way your uncle treated your grandmother, refusing to allow his children to know her….you are familiar with the anguish this caused her….yet you have chosen each and every day to do the same evil to your own mother….

Luke 6:27-36 ~ “But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

I knew this in my heart even as a child before it was even confirmed to me in Scripture….

2 Timothy 2:23-26 ~ Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.

Father I pray for my children….

…… To be continued…..

CONVICTION

Over the past few weeks I’ve had a feeling of conviction to pray for the innocent(s)…. Children, those caught in the web of abuse and evil, helpless to whatever an adult decides to do with them. It literally pains my heart, puts a knot in my stomach. Quickly the thought comes of what I can do and I pray….I plead the Blood of Jesus over the child for protection from any who seek to cause them harm. I plead the Blood of Jesus against anyone or anything that may come against the child. This is first and foremost, especially in urgent, critical situations.

Four different incidents now where there has been a child abduction ( and all four have been very dire situations ), I’ve found the info before retiring for the night, prayed and woke to the news that the children had been located and are safe. 

A bit of personal history and experience….. I have a 18 month old grandson who has been living in my home for 16 of those 18 months. For the 18 months that he’s been in our families life and we in his, I’ve witnessed some very concerning behaviors in his mother; my daughter. Recently Feb. 28th 2014, she up and moved 8 hours away, to reside with a man she barely knew, taking my grandson with her. Not a day has passed that I have petitioned the Lord on my grandsons behalf. Almost a year ago now my daughter had moved a short distance away but was only out of touch for 2 months. I got to see K. Lane two times during that 8 weeks, until she needed me to watch him for her while she worked, then I was able to see him more. There were many red flags then too about her behavior and I reported it to authorities. Next to nothing was done to help my grandson.

I have another grandson who is 5 yo that was pulled away from me 7 months ago, after his Mom (my oldest daughter) flipped out one day, verbally and emotionally attacked me, nearly got physical, and decided she would use him as a means of hurting me. I haven’t spoke to nor visited Jr. in those 7 months, and it doesn’t appear she’ll have a change of heart any time soon. I witnessed many concerning behaviors with her as well; to the point where I felt a great need to talk to my grandson about ways he could protect himself and things he could do to stop abusive treatment. I told him, ” remember what Gramma’s telling you sweetie because I don’t think Mom’s going to allow you to see me for awhile, and I’m not going to be around to help you.”

Currently my oldest grandchild, my granddaughter (11yo) resides with me, my oldest’s ( above) daughter. She has lived with me since she was born.

It’s recently been revealed to me there is a demon, a spirit named Jezebel who loves to steal, kill and destroy. I’ve come to the realization that this demonic power is active within the threads of my family. All the years that passed and the misery experienced and witnessed and at 53yo it is being revealed to me. {sigh}……I hope in my study, it will quickly become vivid what I must do to fight this spirit and be rid of it, especially in my family, for my grandchildren, their peace, well-being, and safety. Gramma loves you K. Lane, Jr., and Grace!!!! 

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TOLERATE

It’s been a few days, maybe even a week since I listened to Robert Morris’ sermon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJbwednT1Og
“DON’T TOLERATE the Jezebel spirit”. These words in his sermon are ‘stuck’ in my head and I feel led to get to the origin such.
I finally have a few moments to ‘look’ at the definition of the word ‘tolerate’:
Tolerate (verb):
1. allow the existence, occurrence, or practice of (something that one does not necessarily like or agree with) without interference.

To allow the existence, presence, practice, or act of without prohibition or hindrance; permit.
2. To endure without repugnance; put up with: I can tolerate laziness, but not incompetence.

Origin:
1525–35; < Latin tolerātus, past participle of tolerāre to bear (akin to thole2 ); see -ate1

Thole:
THōl/Submit
verbSCOTTISHarchaic
1. Endure (something) without complaint or resistance; tolerate.

Latin:
tolerō, tolerāre, tolerāvī, tolerātus
TAL-
verb (1st conjugation) : to bear, endure, support, sustain, suffer
to support, nourish, maintain, sustain, preserve
Going back to listen to Morris’ sermon again, as I put the pieces of this puzzle together…..

Warrior for Christ in Training

Well first I welcome myself back after being MIA for about 2 years! For some reason either due to PC issues or WordPress log in issues, I have not been able to get back to my blog. I came today to create a new blog and tried once again to find this one and….. BY THE GRACE OF GOD, I’m here.

Upon entering, I noticed a post from a very dear online friend, Linda Bain that I had not seen before, how enlightening and refreshing it was to see that! Linda is no longer with us here on Earth, she has moved on up to the Heavenly realm.

I have but a few minutes to write this morning for all my anxious critters are calling for their breakfast; but I want to get a few things down while they are fresh in my mind.

Last night I experienced a demonic attack upon my character through my youngest daughter. These attacks have been ongoing now for approximately 2 years. I have spent many hours searching for a solution to resolution and healing and for a permanent removal of these hurtful and troublesome demons. It has worn on me, aged me, exhausted me. It cuts to the very core of my being to witness and experience these vile attacks. I spent some time reading some excellent articles at: http://www.bible-knowledge.com/spiritual-warfare-demonic-attacks/

That are helping me understand this aspect of the Christian walk. It’s ‘deep’, it’s intense, but it is also very necessary for everyone’s well being. While reading, it became very clear to me that I have been made a warrior in Christ, which now means I have to go into training to learn how to fight the enemy(s).

This stood out to me moments ago, and prompted me to return to my blog where I can begin once again the journey of a spiritual battle.:

“I want to give you some very basic verses from the Bible showing you the importance that God the Father is placing on that we realize the reality of demonic spirits in this world, and that we not be afraid to engage and cast them out of people when we do run across them in this life.

Today, I am only at the place where I’m beginning to understand, increasing my awareness, and learning how I am supposed to arm myself in preparation for battle. Please note this also:

“What is now left is that all Christians have to realize that the victory is already ours.

We thus have to learn how to engage and defeat the devil and his demons when they do try to move in on a person or a situation – and sometimes this means a real live deliverance – because demons can attach themselves to people when they do move in for an attack.

And once they do, the only way to be able to drive them out is by the power of God!”

Well I am happy that I found my blog, many hours have been dedicated to research, learning, writing…..many more to come!

I’ve got to run for now!🙂

 

This is where I am at today….

You can either learn how to rise up and walk with the anointing and power of God in your life so as to be able to do battle against your enemies, whether they be demons or other evil people – or you can choose to hide your head in the sand and let demons and other evil people keep tearing you and your family to pieces.


I have a few more moments so I will try to describe what occurred last night….

May (25) found a bunch of kitchen utensils in Jame’s playpen, which all it’s being used for these days is to store his toys.

She began to complain, ” This is not from James.” I then called Marie (11) out from her room and simply asked her to help May put the utensils away. At that point, May began to verbally attack Marie, which in turn prompted a fear in Marie and she walked towards me refusing to help put them away. May continued her rant, put downs, and name calling towards Marie. I then looked at both of them and told them to both stop. From there, May began to attack me verbally. She went on to say how she cannot wait until she moves, she’s selling her horse and getting away from all of us ‘crazies’….I found myself weakened ( as I desire to not speak my thoughts and feelings unless they are edifying) and told her that she would be making the same mistake again as she has done over and over since 2006. That she cannot just up and move for ‘some guy’ as she had done in the past and she cannot continue that behavior with a child, putting him through that and making him vulnerable. The verbal attacks from her continued. She put me down for my faith and the expression of such, calling me a fake. She told me that ‘everyone’ knows the truth, they know how she treats and speaks to me and they support her in doing so because they know ‘how’ I am. She began putting me down for things long ago in the past, saying I ‘allowed’ a ‘man’ to beat my oldest daughter (That’s a lie, she’s referring to her biological father and the 1 time I seen him hit Nikki, I separated and divorced him.) She then went on to say how I allowed a man to come into our lives who tried to ‘do things’ to her. ( I have never heard of such a thing from her ever. If she had told me something was wrong back then when it happened, surly someone would have died. That’s how strongly I feel about abuse of any kind.) I don’t recall everything she said, but Marie told me she called me the ‘c’ word, which May knows how much I hate that word and she does it to display an utter disrespect for me. I at one point recall telling her, ” You wonder why no one respects you? You’re mean, vile, hurtful. It’s evil. People cannot respect that, rather they will rebel against it.”

All was nonsense, over petty things…. I knew it would be a matter of time before the personal attacks would begin towards me again. Marie has been complaining for some time just how abusive she is towards her….It ALL has to come to an end, for in it there is no happiness for anyone….

Spirituality in Violence?!

Spirituality in Violence?!

It’s been a very long time since I’ve been here at my blog, so long in fact that I was concerned I had lost it, it took me over 35 minutes to locate it and log in….

I guess life has gotten in the way of my writing, some of life good, some not so good….. And for the last several months I have contemplated starting my book…. World events seem to knock at those thoughts and I’m beginning to have a sense of urgency to at least get it started. I will be doing that soon….during the long dark winter nights and cold winter days, this is a perfect project….

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/21/nra-press-conference_n_2346382.html?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmaing8%7Cdl1%7Csec1_lnk3&pLid=248862#slide=more270656

The link I posted refers to the recent mass murder of school children in Sandy Hook/Newtown CN. What a sad state this Nation and many other countries in the world are coming to. Mankind would like to ‘think’ they are becoming more civilized when in fact the opposite is true. What is it in man when something so horrific as what occurred at Sandy Hook the very same man/woman can go on with day to day life as if nothing ever happened?

What is the bottom line when something like this happens? Do you know? Do you have an instinctive feeling? A gut feeling? An answer? What is your Source? Your Sustenance?

~502 DAYS~

I am at peace and comforted with my decision to once again address his resistance to any healing, and accept his choice, and honor mine as well. Yes, I am angry….but that is an issue that I need to deal with and heal from. Without that anger, I don’t think I would have been able to successfully separate myself from the ‘pull’ that was holding me captive in a dark, evil place.

502 days ago, I ended a post with the above.

It was the day after Ben left, the day our intimate relationship ended, the day my complete healing began.

It’s quite amazing actually, I think back to my state of mind 502 days ago and compare it to today, and all that I prayed for has come to fruition. I was not comfortable back then in my anger and resentment and I longed to be free from it. Those emotions only led to the weapon of Satan himself, confusion. It was difficult for me back then to fully comprehend if my feelings were attributing to the default of the relationship or not. This in turn created doubt within me and I was quickly being defeated by the Master Deceiver. 

Three weeks ago, I received a call from Ben; he had finished this stage of his employment on the pipeline in NV, and after visiting his daughter in San Diego, he said he would be passing through my area on his way home to Indiana. I asked if he would stop by for a visit, and to meet the new members of my family; my mustang & burro babies and my Bloodhound. He replied he would if he was invited.

I got a call on a Friday afternoon, he was in the area. We met for a drink after I finished work, visited for about an hour, and planned on him coming to the ranch the next day. That evening, he  half listened to what had been happening in my life for the 502 days since we had seen each other (there was a brief visit in that interim when he was in the area in October heading up to work in NV, we visited among friends in Tombstone) and  the conversation spiraled onto the ‘all about him’ phase.  I knew this was his narcissism, and I felt empathy for him as I now understand he is a ‘victim’ of the ruler of darkness. I was held captive for an hour and a half longer than I had wanted listening to his stories of his 502 days; not wanting to be rude, I gave him my full attention.

The next day, we visited, spent a few moments with the horses, he helped set my AC unit up, then the afternoon was spent talking about his phone(?!).. a new toy..I offered to take him for a bite to eat before he left and that went fairly well. He allowed Marie to even sit next to him at the table, and never cringed over the sounds of other people crunching on chips and salsa. You see, he has a problem with OCD as well.

It was early evening, we came back to the ranch, said good-bye and he heading for home. For two days during his drive, he was texting me, sending me pics of various things ie: semi load of hay and the communication between us was positive and simple.

My reason for writing this post, 502 days ago I was a very angry lady, bitter, overwhelmed, confused, scared, depressed and unforgiving. I couldn’t see that light at the end of that dark tunnel, that place where I desired to be. I was consumed with negative emotions. I can recall Ben saying at various times with what appeared to be sincerity, that if we separate, he would wish that we could remain friends. I used to chuckle to myself with that ‘Yeah right’ attitude.

Today, I’m there, healing is possible, I have forgiven, and the only residual emotion that remains from the four years of hell is a bit of depression and a longing to have a compatible companion, a helper in my life. But those feelings were there before Ben & I ever met and throughout the four years together. He was never a ‘helper’ to me, but more like a dependent, I carried the weight of the relationship obligations entirely.

I haven’t heard much from him for three weeks now, but I no longer ponder the aspects of it. It doesn’t matter. Our days together will be no more, and a friendship does remain. I no longer have to take it personal if he doesn’t call or communicate, and I can almost guess he’s so deeply involved with his issues of narcissism & OCD that he cannot communicate. He purchased a new truck when he went home, and I am sure it is consuming all his time. 

502 days, and I am free!

~Healing & Scripture~

I haven’t been feeling well for a few months, and in trying to sort it all out and ‘get better’ I’ve turned to scripture for answers.
I discovered that it’s all connected, since the beginning of ‘my’ time. I started reading the book written by Henry W. Wright, A MORE EXCELLENT WAY, and the words I read as I flip through the pages just seem to click!
I believed that I was suffering from an under-active thyroid, and have been wanting to get some meds for a while now. But something deep inside me tells me {without reading a single word from this book} that there’s something deeper.
Thus the reasoning behind the ‘click’ in the text of the above mentioned book.

In reading excerpts from this book, I’ve come to realize that most of these ailments are rooted in FEAR….an new awareness began to birth….fear…makes sense, I can see where I have been fearful and anxiety filled most of my life. The connection between physical ills and spiritual bondages of demons.
Sounds intense? It is, but at the same time one begins to wrap their mind around this complexity, the simpleness of it also takes root. I began to think as I went about my morning tasks, this ‘fear’ thing seems to be huge! Where would I begin?
I’m tired, I’m ill, my fight seems to be gone. I began to talk to God~ “Father, I need you to simply step in here and take control, I really am clueless as to what I could or should possibly do here.” I began to think that it would be simple just to be as a child and have no thought or concern for anything, except the here and now, this very moment.
As I take a breather from cleaning; I sit down and glance at the page that this book is opened to; here is the sripture from the Good Book that jumps out at me: “And I said, Verily, I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 18:3

Right there, we are instructed by God to tear down the barriers and become as little children, do you remember those days as a child? Become vulnerable again, and look to our Father in heaven for protection and guidance.