~Avoiding Abuse~

It really is everywhere. In the quick comments people make, in intimate relationships, workplace, government, religion.

Scripture tells us to ‘avoid’ abuse, else we may be ‘like’ them (the abusers). God, the Creator wants us to choose to live a happy abundant life. For a long time, I have often contemplated the struggle between good & evil, and pondered what one is to do about it, or with it. I believe the answer is simple, ‘avoid’.

After over 4 decades of life, I have begun to apply this principle in my living. I ended an abusive relationship that was very toxic and dysfunctional, after 4 years of giving it my best, and doing all I knew I was called to do. It was difficult, it hurt, but it was what had to be done. To ‘love’ someone and to be loved is an awesome experience. To be able to share all life’s up’s & down’s with another person, to give yourself to another feels good & wholesome. I truly ‘loved’ this person, and continue to love this person, but now in a much different way. No longer will my love permit or enable abuse. That’s WHY I needed to end that relationship, despite my love for that person. He’s gone, and now over 2,000 miles away. I no longer have to be concerned if I would run into him somewhere, or if he may randomly drop by. When I ended the relationship, I absolutely had to go ‘no contact’, I was not strong enough to continue communications while trying to end the relationship and allow healing to take place in my life. Recently, photo’s of him flashed across a computer screen, my instant reaction was to stop it, to erase them so I wouldn’t have to be exposed to the pain of what seems like a failure, ( having the love for a person, and having to end a relationship with them). But then I realized that I was beginning to ‘see’ things I had never acknowledged before. I can ‘see’ the sickness in this persons life, in his soul… just by looking at photos of him. My empathy has taken on a whole new perspective. Forgiveness is developing in a whole new way. I no longer will have empathy or excercise forgiveness by sacrificing my life, my happiness. By enabling the abuse to continue. This is NOT the way God intended relationships to be. The discord is the work of Satan.

So the relationship ends, the healing I have prayed for so long begins. There was to be no healing within the relationship for me or my family. Family & relationships is in every way ‘teamwork’. It takes active participation of all parties involved to make it a success. He wasn’t WILLING to heal, therefore it made it impossible for me or anyone else to heal or be happy in the relationship. This was not a failure on my part, rather a failure of the one who refused to grow or heal. One can continue to love, if it is true it doesn’t go away in a flash…but there are seasons when one must love from a distance. It’s simple really. As a Christian, we cannot allow or enable abuse to continue, for by doing so we are permitting sin. We are permitting Satan to have control & effect over our lives, and the lives of others. God does not want that for us, and tells us clearly in His Word. His laws and written Word are also simple really….it’s like looking for something on a shelf, not being able to see it even though it’s right there in front of you. The vail of ignorance needs to be removed.

One can begin to see the coorealation between the physical relm and the spiritual relm of life, and how the application of the spiritual laws or the lack of them can have a profound effect on the quality of life. Since the conception of this dysfunctional relationship, the quality of my life has been minimal at best. I have been repeatedly exposed to toxic situations and people. It continues to occur. I continue to learn how to navigate through it, and to be able to turn the scenario’s into ‘good’.

Most recently, I took a position of employment that at the beginning appeared to be a blessing. I had been out of work for a little over a year and the prospects of gainful employment was encouraging. After being in this position for a number of weeks, the effects of toxic people and a toxic environment were weighing heavy on my spiritual and physical health. That yucky ‘gut feeling’ was present and overwhelming, and I knew I had a heavy decision to make. Situations in the workplace continually catapulted to negatives, and they began to mount up. I began to feel tired, drained, hopeless. I mediated long and hard for the reasoning of why this would be happening, since I know God wants what is best for us in our lives; and I had just ended the toxic relationship I endured for 4 years. When I took the position, I felt perhaps this was where God wanted me to be, and perhaps even healing could take place for me there. Still the negatives mounted. I got to the point where I felt I really didn’t want to be there anymore, and the minus’ outweighed the pluses. I had to pray about it, asking what the Creator wanted me to do. Those toxic feelings remained. I was concerned about my safety and health. The red flags continued to rise. 4 days ago, I stepped out in faith and took action to end all the negatives surrounding this job and abruptly quit. It felt like it was what needed to be done in order to secure my well-being. had it not been for the concern of my safety, I would have done the right thing for the employer and given my 2 weeks notice. I considered the toxic effects that originated from the employer. I was not able to feel confident that all would be well for the remaining 2 weeks, and I quit at the last minute. This was a very hard decision for me to make, for the ‘me’ does not give up easily. I’m a fighter and stubborn, always determined to get it right. But what I had to realize was that circumstance doesn’t involve just me, my attitude, my actions. It involves the effort of a team. Everyone needs to be WILLING to step up and do their part. This was not happening, nor was it going to happen. There was too much selfishness, greed, anger for any good to occur. Am I a failure for quitting? I don’t think so. For by doing so, I am regaining my peace and happiness, my security in Christ. I am learning to be faithful in believing that God has a plan for me and wishes for me to follow a different direction. He knows what my needs are, and He desires to provide them all for me. It’s interesting to reflect back and see all the red flags, to evaluate all my reasoning and decisions. How signs were placed right in front of me to help me make the right decisions, and how those signs escalted until that certain decision to leave was made. Perhaps it is my stubborness to stick it out that needs to be broken. Nevertheless, it was imperative that I not waste time and take action. Today, I am recovering from the toxins and looking forward to what God has in store for me.

A little time to reflect, heal, and pray. Then it’s back to searching for the direction God wants me to go. It’s very important that we heed the intuitive feelings and red flags that lie before us. That we heed God’s presence and His Word. In this classroom we call life, there is much to be learned and seemingly so little time to learn it all.

~I Always Wonder~

I always wonder why…Why is a big part of my vocabulary and life. I never really gave it too much consideration before, until recently a counselor I know, in general conversation told me the minute you ask ‘why’ you have defeated any progression of therapy. I’m sure you’ve guessed it… I want to know why, and have yet to sort all that out.

Perhaps one day it will become clear to me, in the meantime I will continue to ask, as it feels ‘normal’ to me.

For a little over a week now, I’ve sensed Ben in and around me. I didn’t know why, it wasn’t something I could place my finger on, I just knew it was there. It caused an anticipation that he may come around or I may run into him somewhere. It caused anxiety that wasn’t obvious, but released itself in the form of a physical ailment for a few hours this past weekend. I wondered what would occur should I be face to face with him, should I hear his voice, should I have to re-engage in a conversation with him. I was uneasy. I tried to express it to family and friends hoping the anxiety would go away, but it never came out clear. I lost my cell last week, and thought, “everything happens for a reason” so perhaps losing the cell was a means from above to protect me from exposure to him. Somehow it made sense to me. Monday, my replacement cell was here, by Tuesday AM it was up and running again with a few glitches, I don’t have all my contacts, etc. Tuesday am, while at work I got a call, I looked, it was Ben. I shut the ringer off. He left a voicemail. I resisted calling to see what message was left, and I became nervous. How dare he place me in this position again. The day we separated and he left, he told me, ” Don’t ever call me then.” I told him not to worry, I would not…I decided to go ‘No Contact’ with him as so many advise, it was my only coping skill. I never did, and it’s been almost 3 months. His voicemail said he had the door for me he had promised to replace for over a year now, the one he busted all to hell in a fit of rage. The one that was to my 7yr. old’s room. That was a terrifying experience, one that I will never forget, in hopes that I will acknowledge all the red flags should I ever decide to try a personal relationship again.

Instantly, I texted him back…I cannot call even though he never (admitted to) texted much. I wanted to avoid all the emotions it would stir in me to hear his voice; anger, love, caring, weakness, vulnerability, hope, all the emotions that kept me tied to him for so long, too long. I told him not to come by the house with me not there and told him roughly when I would be there. A part of me did want to see him again, the hopeful part of me…wanting to think that maybe..just maybe there was some small hope for us yet. He called 2 more times, trying to get me to answer, I did not. He left another voicemail. He said he had the door in his truck and was coming up this way and wanted to drop it off. He said he was leaving sometime this week to go home to Indiana and so needed to get it done. I had to think, quick! I calmed myself, in spite of the fact I wanted to rage at him for even doing this to me. For doing all the negative things he had done in my life. I had to calm down. Once again I texted him back, ” Ok, if you need to drop it off on your way somewhere, please leave it at the gate. Best if I don’t see you anyway, too painful for me and I had said I would go ‘No Contact’ so that I could heal, thanks.” Obviously I’m still healing. I recall reading somewhere in regard to Narcissists that they are ever-present LONG after they are physically gone. I think there is an element of truth to that. At least that’s the way I feel today. I have to utilize all my coping skills to get through this…and one that is unhealthy but SO necessary and out of my hands these days is over-working. I long ago seen a pattern of being what’s referred to as a workaholic. It got me through difficult emotional times before. Many times in the past, it was intentional, these days it is not. It is circumstantial. Life seems to be moving at super-sonic speed.

Being at work when Ben rang, I re-centered myself and went on with my day, various thoughts flashing through my mind. I called the girls at home to let them know that he may come by and drop off a door at the gate.

When I got home, a good friend of mine had driven 25 miles one way to help me change the flat tire I had that morning. Thank you God for my angels here on earth. Christie, my oldest (21) had been cleaning the house all day and was anxious to show me what she had done. In conversation, she told me that she had seen Ben the day before at work in Tombstone and they talked for a bit. She works in a saloon. Ben approached her, and from what she tells me, the conversation was generic. Once again, his existence is a residual in my life. We discuss it briefly, and go about our routines. Why is this happening? What do I do about it? I decide that there is so much to do between work and home, I just need to process this Ben situation quickly and continue on with MY life. No more getting analytical with a situation that has gone no where good for 4 years. No more hoping for that happy relationship with one whom it is impossible.

So many things to think about, drop this issue and move on to something else I tell myself. Still random thoughts race across my mind.

In the evening, my oldest daughter texts me, and informs me that her and her husband are having some relational meltdowns with his mother whom they have lived with for a few months now, since they were hit hard with the economy issues. A raging woman, they were informed that they are to move out within a few days, and no longer permitted to use any other part of the home except their room. They have a 18mo. old son….the rest of the evening my focus was with them. They are moving, and coming out here to stay with me until they can get back on their feet. It was something we had discussed for a while now, but they had wanted to do it in a better way…like finding work BEFORE relocating. Between their situation and the 50hr/week I am currently working there it is, over-working….Ben no longer has any room in my life. He is no longer the center of my existence. Life gets crazy…hectic is good with me, as long as it moves one forward and there is not a whole lot of drama or trauma to cope with.

I’m thinking that perhaps the Creator is exposing me to a whole lot of situations where-in I need to work on not absorbing the negative energy of others. My current work exposes me to a whole lot of negative energy. It’s primary focus is on behavioral treatment. This week, has been interesting…dealing with clients and staff and their issues. In my personal life I got pulled over and cited for 5mph over the speed limit on a road that has no speed limit signs posted. I lost my cell, my best riding horse came up lame so much so, it will be a few weeks at best before healing is complete. my youngest daughter who lives with me called me at work this morning to ‘rage’ all her frustrations on me, she was obviously losing stability, and blamed me (mom)… I was guilty of not engaging in an argument or even a heated discussion over who was at fault… that solves nothing. She was/is resentful and feels I bailed on her in her moment of need. I didn’t, I just have zero tolerance for raging…. I have to keep myself centered or I will be no good for anyone or anything. By afternoon, the situation with her had calmed down….Thank you Father!

I’m getting a crash course on interpersonal/intrapersonal relations whether I like it or not. My actions and reactions in each and every situation I am confronted with will be long remembered, even after I am gone. It will have an effect on others and their actions & skill. What is my saving grace? I remain calm… my reaction will be one with love at the core, being watchful that anything I do is not an enabling behavior for someone else’s negative issues.

Do I need support from someone else? You bet! But it’s not from another person per say, I need the support from our Heavenly Father.

Ben’s going home this week, back to Indiana. That puts over 2,000 miles literally between us. Yes, it saddens me deeply that things did not work out for our relationship….but it was out of my hands. There was nothing more I could do. As I told him, there IS no more good I can do for you. Regardless of whatever I did, providing support…forgiving…loving….within the relationship with him, it all became an ‘enabling’ behavior. It provided no healing for him, me, or anyone else. Toxins filled the air….I did not want to live there anymore, I could not live there anymore. Ben didn’t want to come live with me in the light…. he wished/wishes to remain in the darkness…. I had to go home, back into the light and love of life….I had to stop enabling negative behavior unwillingly.

What is my ultimate thought on all of this? I believe everything happens for a reason, and if one can dig deep enough, prayerfully….one can really begin to see how ALL things are connected, and how our Father uses ALL things for Good. I am thankful he is at the wheel, and I relinquish all control over my life to Him! None of have control over our lives regardless of the facade we place in our lives that makes us think that. The only control we have is to live by faith, live by the guidelines God provides for each of us in the Book (Bible), and make our choices carefully. We all have free will, which means we all have freedom to make our own choices. We must choose carefully! At this stage in my life, I chose to avoid any and all forms of abuse. I chose to not engage in abuse, and I do not desire to be guilty of abuse. I desire to be like the Eagle soaring high to the heavens, staying ever so close to our Creator. No longer will I be a mere leaf blowing where ever the winds decide to take me and merely being tolerant of whatever comes my way…

Father, Thank You for the many blessings in my life, even the experiences that do not appear to be blessings. Thank You for giving me the eyes to see how You work everything out for Good. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

~Chains~

They’re gone…I feel lighter…The ‘sick’ feeling in my heart isn’t there anymore…how could I describe that feeling? As though there is a pulsating emotional or spiritual hurt in the heart, a void….empty of anything good….It’s gone. No longer does my time  revolve around him and what he is doing, thinking, saying. How nice it feels to be able to sit in my home doing my own thing and not worry about him waking up, grouchy and abusive. I will never have to sit again and hear his (what I would describe as evil) moans or screaming in a dream from the bedroom…it’s peaceful now. Sitting & wondering what mood the beast would be in when he opened the door to the new day. My thoughts & actions totally controlled by him, totally taking him and all he is into consideration in all I do. A blessing. Time…my time is once again mine totally to utilize completely for the good of life. He is no longer here to slam doors, literally destroying doors with his fists or putting holes in the walls, there have been many repairs to my home… say nasty threatening things to us, use all the hot water without thought for anyone else. No longer is he here to waste electric while turning around and complaining to the ‘woman who pays the bills’ or to the child who is conservative about their use…such childish trivia. GONE. I no longer have to concern myself with making sure there is foods he likes in the house, at my expense…now I can focus on what I like, what my children like and they are not fussy, but thankful.

I can step outside at sunrise and bask in the morning sun, absorbing all the beautiful things around me. No worries. Peace, serenity. Marie can wake and come out to sit with me and neither of us have to consider the worry of making any small noise and then facing the repercussions of his wrath. No more put downs, no more attacks on a woman’s or childs person. No more telling us who we are, as if he knows better what we are than we do. Life is peaceful. I can leave for work and be worry free of Marie’s safety, no more concern about what he says to her or how he may be abusing her when I’m not available to witness. In rages, he would spew things like, ” I feel like killing her”… SICK! EVIL! There is no more concern of how his behaviors or treatment of her may affect her for the rest of her life….a blessing. The chains have been removed, and there is no more suffering at the hands of one who follows the ‘evil one’.

I no longer have to worry when he may have a change of heart, and begin to take other’s needs, wants, or desires into consideration… or concern myself with how his behavior makes me feel…no longer do I need to concern myself with what he may be doing when he is gone, he was always extremely secretive, suspicious acting… or when he might be thoughtful enough to ring and touch base with one (me) who he chose to spend his days with.

No longer do I need to ‘wonder’ when our relationship might begin to feel right, normal and we as two people could begin to focus on life together, compromising, sharing, working together to build a life full of wholesome happiness. I no longer need to desperately search for answers as to what the dynamics were that were taking place. I no longer have to wonder if it was my behavior, my actions that were the cause of so much confusion and misery. I will never again have the desperation of pleading with him to ‘see’ to ‘understand’ to work with me on healing. I can now love my family and friends, and enjoy my animal family never again having to worry how my ‘nature’ may be affecting him. I can give the rest of my life my undivided attention without worry of hearing his complaints or put downs. I am free to be ME! The eggshells on the floor have been replaced with the hairs of our dog, whom Marie loves to have in the house with her…

God does answer prayer….just not always in the way we would expect. Thus the importance of the words, ” Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.” It shows clearly just how little we as humans really know. It’s humbling. In the last days of this relationship, I diligently searched scripture, seeking answers to what God wanted me to do. So many verses I mediated and studied. I began to see that Father does not accept abuse, control, evil. Although He may place it in our lives for a time, it serves only as a ‘means’ for Good, Growth.

I’m relieved that no longer do I have to ‘feel’ the negative energy… every time I talk to my girls, friends, have friends over…it was MOST miserable; avoiding contact with friends & loved ones in order to avoid any negative repercussions from him…. he would often lock himself in the bedroom with a beer and tv, peaking out the window watching as someone would drive into the yard, paranoid that they would do something intentional to damage his vehicle(s). Last time my best friends came down, he literally sat in the livingroom and said nothing to anyone. At X-mas, he did the same thing, and when my good friend(s) wished him a merry Christmas, he said nothing…. I no longer have to avoid people I like or spending time with them for fear I would face repercussions later, him talking shit, running everyone down, as he often did… even me….one thing I often said to him was, ” You treat me as though I am the dirt beneath your boots.”…Literally, it was that sad…It was deeply felt…

I no longer have to worry that one day he may ‘act’ on his verbal threats, him saying, ”I feel like throwing Marie through the window, I feel like killing her”…(no doubt this is a sick mind and spirit!)….a year or two ago, he said to me, ” If I marry you, I would have to kill you.”…Never did get to the bottom of any meaning behind that one. But hearing that statement created deep confusion, concern, and fear… not something Good, for sure!

I no longer need to watch him waste the day away drinking from 8am on till he fell asleep at night….spend 2 hours in the bathroom, soaking in the tub everyday and making sure his image is perfect for the outside world. I no longer have to shake my head in disbelief watching him walk around his vehicles and utility trailer checking for any mark, and repeatedly checking his locks, over & over, wasting a minimum of an hour…obsessivly caring for any little thing he could find for his ‘stuff’, me thinking, ” I wish he cared for me like he does his vehicles & possessions”, then thinking to myself, ‘I must be losing what sanity I had left’, to have such thoughts. My feelings, gut feelings, and my thoughts were ‘natural’ and ‘pure’….For 4 years, I felt tossed as if in the middle of a torrential ocean, with nowhere to go, but into the same storm…the end seemed as though it did not exist. That feeling of security, safety, of the violent storm finally coming to a close, the warmth of the Sun, the Light once again shining on me, did not exist.

I no longer have to feel pressured or guilty over providing ‘normal’ basic care and attention to Marie. Something I always was being put down for, corrected. It was a confusing feeling, designed to place doubt in my otherwise stable and right mind. He was extremely jealous, of a young child, my older children and all my friends. He methodically and repeatedly tried to extinguish our relationships (mine with anyone else), and nearly succeeded in separating me from ALL others. He succeeded in doing this where it involved me and any of his family members, and his family was a place he could always turn to to talk lies, put me down, complain about his life with me, and always blame me for every single issue in our relationship… all the while ‘glorifying’ himself…because his family supported and enabled his abusive and negative behavior. A VERY sad situation indeed. Six weeks now he has been gone, absolutely no contact, (the way I had to do it), not once has his folks called me just to talk, to hear my thoughts, feelings, to ask me what happened… to all of them; I am the sick, disordered, bossy, bitch, he has portrayed me to be to them. I tried to have a healthy relationship with all his family, I remained the person I am, honest, kind, compassionate, giving, open and inquisitive, there was always a lingering ‘something’ that I could not identify, nor ignore…My gut feelings were going haywire during any time I would spend with him and his family. I sensed something was being kept a secret, I felt as though there were things in his life that I was not permitted to be privy to. Every conversation I ever engaged in with is family and him (with the exception of one) was very generic. My questions about ANYTHING were not well received. I was never allowed to have his parents # or call them without his knowledge. I was not permitted to speak to his daughter, have her phone # or even inquire as to what was going on in her life. It was nunya…none of my business. Why was it SO important to keep lives separate, while trying to maintain an intimate relationship? Hiding that ‘something’ was very strong! The thoughts of what it could possible be raced through my mind, intensely in the beginning, randomly as the years passed. I would question or minimalize my thoughts, ‘it can’t be this way’..I would think. I was only ever able to conclude it was his narcissism. The fuel that powered his whole being. It was maddening…  He could not/cannot allow them (or anyone)  to think badly of him in any way, I was the sacrifice, but the cost was not salvation, but continued evil, the devil maintains his stronghold on him….I held strong during this raging storm, and would not let go of the things that were important to me, and I to them. No matter what was said to me, no matter what raging I was subjected to, no matter any of the negative behaviors, I stood strong….I turned to scripture for answers…I found them! I listened! I asked him to go because he could not/would not humble himself to any healing, any cooperation. He completely lacked empathy, something I felt early on in our relationship, but did not fully understand the implications until years later.

That desperate need of his to control, it was still alive and well the last days… He used to tell me I was controlling, what he was really seeing was my desire to understand, to ask questions and find answers…and his projection of his behaviors onto me….(he had to make me ‘crazy’ in his mind, and thereby make everyone see what he made me, as long as they seen only what he wanted them to see….believe what he told them was the truth…it was lies…all lies!…) to support and enable his continued insanity. It does have a profound affect on one’s perception…It caused unbelievable doubt in my own mind.

Marie recently had her first sleep over, something that was unthinkable when Ben lived here. For many various reasons directly rooted in his behaviors, it was not something that could be done when he lived here.

The Peace experienced in my life now, is an amazing Blessing. I am sad….sadder than I was when I watched my folks ‘Cross Over”… that things could not be normal between us. That is truly all I ever wanted, to spend the rest of my life living happy and wholesome with him. Fairy Tail syndrome? I don’t think so. Just wanting Normal Love, a normal, loving relationship, to finish the last years of my life with one significant person that I could bond with/stay with. It was not to be Ben, I can clearly see that now. I must’ve been deceived in the beginning. For the 4 years that followed, I refused to see or hear reality. That’s where the fairy tale came into play. Not intentionally, but rather naturally, hopefully….confusingly. I do not give up easily anymore, and I tend to hang on for the long haul, hoping for the best, in this case hoping, living faithfully for restoration. It took me a very long time to come to terms with the fact that Ben was unwilling to heal, to change. That he really believes that there is nothing wrong with him, or at least that is what he would like everyone to believe. I think back to when we first met and his statement, “I’m not fit to be around anybody.” If he so easily said this, then it indicates to me that he knows there are issues. Issues that belong to him only. Issues that are no fault of anyone else but his own. I wonder what he thinks these days, if in his heart of hearts, (what little is there), if he blames me to ease his discomfort, to himself…I’m quite sure I am entirely to blame when it comes to discussing our relationship with anyone else. Just as he said many times about his x-wife, “She just left one day, found someone else and left. Otherwise we would most likely still be married.” It was her fault the marriage ended. In his comments, he tried to convince that he was the victim in the marriage, that he was always the perfect husband, that he even bought her a house and that was when she left. All I can say in hindsight is, if he treated her and his daughter the way he treated Marie and myself when we stayed in his home for 4 weeks, it’s no wonder she left and never looked back. After 15 years ( I can’t even imagine) she must have been practically emotionally dead. He did occasionally tell me of violence that took place in the home. I can only guess that there were many forms of abuse taking place.

The reality of the relationship was ~ the evil is so deeply rooted into his being, he does not have the will to see any err in his ways, nor any direction to go to begin healing. There was no more good I could do, it had to end. I could no longer enable the evil spirit within him to cloud our days, to keep us in that dark, cold, lonely place where life withers away. That’s not who I am, it is impossible for me to comprehend life there. I came from the Light, and it is my Home, it is where I belong, where I need to be. I am too old now to be anywhere else but in the Light. It’s where I feel safe, loved. This experience has clearly driven this point home, and I will exercise extreme caution the rest of my days. This is the only Desire I now have, to be Home, with Christ and our Heavenly Father. This was my prayer for my family and myself, my prayer (request) was granted. My prayer for Ben’s healing would not be granted for he like all of us is given free will, and he has chosen the polar opposite. Slowly I began to realize that the only ‘healing’ the only ‘change’ would be to leave the relationship all together. I was so starving for healing…so tired, worn, saddened over the non-stop issues that were so ever present in our daily life. I began to realize that no matter how much I changed, it was not going to fix the issues. And the only way for me to change was to become ‘like’ him….I was there now & then, I felt what it was like to be like him, it was depressing, hopeless, dark….. I needed to get out, to save my spiritual self, to cast Satan and his evildoing out of my life. While I was there where he is, I could literally feel myself dying, withering away into nothingness.

My healing is now in full force…Such a Blessing! I am only sad that Ben too cannot feel healing…. I pray one day he will.

~Digging Deeper into Reasoning~

The excerpt below is copied from Dr. S’s blog, I provide the link to his blog below, he is extremely insightful. I found this post relevant to my current life experience, and wanted to have the information ready for me here on my blog for frequent future reference. Please, leave a comment on your thoughts, and visit Dr. S’s site!

http://drsubida.wordpress.com/

How do you tangle psychotherapeutically with “evil”?

13 02 2010

This is a sequel to my previous post on “evil” as mental illness.

It is not easy to heal human “evil” with the purpose of producing hope and redemption. It’s very risky. It requires deep selflessness and purification by the grace of God.

In dealing with “evil” people, we’d always face a dilemma. Consider one, for example, who hurts, betrays, or deceives you. How do you respond for healing of the “evil” to take place? Many times, we could not find it in our heart to love unconditionally those who do “evil” to us. Would it not be evil itself to love evil or affirm one who has done evil?

“Evil” is ugly. Yet Jesus Himself came to embrace that ugliness of human “evil” to save us.

Romans 5: 8 says, “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16).

Christian psychiatrist Dr. M. Scott Peck wrote these words in his book, “People of the Lie”: “The healing of evil – scientifically or otherwise – can be accomplished only by the love of individuals. A willing sacrifice is required. The individual healer must allow his or her own soul to become the battleground. He or she must sacrificially absorb the evil.” (~I cannot yet fully grasps this idea, Pecks work is astounding, full of revelation. I am currently mediating on this. I will say, in my current life experience, I could not, nor was I willing to enable evil, period!~)

Frankly, I do not know exactly how this takes place. It’s a mysterious formula. Allowing one’s self to be pierced by the “evil” of another, one who is a victim then becomes a victor.

“When a willing victim who had committed no treachery was killed, ” writes C.S. Lewis, ” in a traitor’s stead, the table would crack and death itself would start working backwards.”

Whenever such happens, healing of human “evil” occurs. There then emerges a shift in the balance of power in the world. (~ I have been in this ‘victim’ state. It brought me down to the dark, depressing, hopeless hole where the ‘traitor’ lived. I did not feel comfortable there, I did not wish to engage in such spiritual games that were placed in front of me. I wanted out! I wanted to get back to the Light, Truth, Love. That is where I feel good, everything Good! I had to save myself with the mercy of God upon me. I could not sense a point of healing in any future engagement with this person.~)

~Anger the Issue of Evil~

Didn’t I write a post of the same title not so long ago? I’ll have to look back, analyze the subject a bit more… But today, my focus is on ‘other’ subjects, meaning people with the same issue. What is it about anger the denigrates a personality? Damages souls, families, society? Before I ponder it further, I need to record my initial thought….EVIL…

For the last few weeks, in my new ‘road‘ in life…I’m dealing with teens who have SO much anger at such a young age, it REALLY concerns me. I can clearly see ‘fear‘ at the root of all the situational circumstances of anger…. Initally…I see society as a catalyst for this behavior in young adults, children, and ultimately mature adults. It’s the result of situations in society and secondly families which ‘grow‘ this behavior, this emotion to unrealistic proportions. A child then sees anger as a ‘tool‘…a means to achieve a desired outcome, and when practiced, they begin to sense that it works, and over time they continue to repeat it, and the cycle begins…then perpetuates…

Currently…my ‘path’ has placed me in a situation where I am only beginning to comprehend gang life….trying to absorb all the circumstance and issues that surround an individual (child) trying to survive in that environment. At the same time…trying to protect my own stability and sanity. How many of us can consciously comprehend that life? How many of us have true coping skills to deal with such an evil, let alone try to heal an individual who has known that type of life for most of their childhood? How can we explain to a child of ANY age, that they are vulnerable to the evil forces of the spiritual world because they are pure and not fully formed (spiritually)? How can one enable their understanding? A parent often ‘blindly’ runs the course of survival in the family dynamics, and because of weakness or lack of full knowledge are not equipped to help their children…the result is to simply allow ‘nature’ (spiritual forces) to run its course…Here in ‘this’ life, evil spirituality is perceived as strong, natural, what works. ‘We’ all get wrapped up in trying to protect ourselves, our loved ones…and fail to fully understand the ‘root‘ of what all is taking place. We go into survival mode. It is strong, powerful….in a conversation with a young teen who has anger in their soul, I made the comment, that ultimately ‘evil‘ is weak… This young teen disagreed with me, stating it was ‘powerful‘…. why did this soul feel and think this way? In their life, it’s what’s worked for them. By exercising evil/anger they achieved whatever desired result they consciously or subconsciously wanted. They survived. One more day, life continues for this person, their loved ones, their world.

Another thought comes to mind…. It is ‘my’ belief  & understanding that whatever is in one’s heart, that is the bottom line… These children who grow up in a ‘gang’ life, I perceive that they really do know good from evil…. they really do desire life to be different, their spirits have a purity… but they also sense that even though this (purity) is ‘in’ them, even though they can ‘feel’ this…. this is not what works for them in this physical life. It becomes a matter of ‘working the system’ … to get their world through one more day, one more week, month, year…. why is this??? I see it as the ‘evil’ in this world…. it’s the bottom line. These children who have grown up in this environment become subjected to the evil in the world…. a target… a subject for the ‘evil one’ to focus on. They really don’t desire for things to be this way, but the evil is so integrated into their world, escape to goodness is not foreseeable for them.

Within me, I once again turn to Christ for the solution, direction, healing. The thought of Christ’s example rings true… but how does one help another to understand this? I often turn to the Bible, open it randomly and look down to find the scripture that perhaps God wants to share with me. This is what I was directed to read today:

” ‘Curse Meroz’, said the angel of the Lord, ‘ Utterly curse its inhabitants; Because they did not come to the help of the Lord, To the help of the Lord against the warriors.” Judges 5:23….. Meditation is required!

What do I see right now? Instruction to turn to the Lord to fight the spiritual battle.

It’s Okay

It’s only been 2 weeks since Ben & I separated (for the last time). In that time, I started a new job and will start another this coming week. I do not feel the sadness, the broken heart, the doubt this time. I feel okay. I don’t miss him, and there are times throughout the day that I say out loud, ” I’m thankful he’s gone.” It’s true.

I no longer have to think about or deal with his behaviors. There are no more eggshells on my floor I have to waddle through. The challenges I face each day now relate to my own life, and that’s enough for me. The Wisteria vine is gone, and I am free from its clenching branches. If I do stop to think about the life that could have been with Ben, I suppose I would experience some sadness… but I realize that the life I envisioned with him is not possible. I was miserable in the actual life I did have with him, that is a fact.

My thoughts….what can I attribute my ability to break free from the bondage of that relationship? The only thing I can think on this is God. God, through the power of the Spirit gave me the ability to do this. I know I did not do it of my own accord. God strengthened my soul so I would not experience the devastation of a broken heart….something I experienced so many times with Ben. God gave me the peace I so desired every moment of every day…so desperatly seeking peace….phew….Thak You Father…I still have a way to go to get back to the person I was before this relationship, but I have faith in the heavenly father that I will get there. I want to get back to seeing the ‘beauty’ in each and every day…the birds and their singing, the crisp refreshing scent of the air….to be giving thanks for those gifts rather than giving thanks for the quiet time when Ben wasn’t home or raging or violent.

In the greater scheme of things, I’m considering whether or not I was worshipping Ben as a god. Not fully understanding the true meaning of LOVE….I do not yet have that answer, but it is a consideration.

All my research over the last 2years….what was going on, was it me…was it Ben…discovering all I had discovered and learned….finding out that my thoughts of Ben being ‘possessed’ may very likely be a reality, validated by so many smart, spiritual, educated individuals….I do know in all I came across to read and learn, I was ‘guided’, I was guided by the Heavenly Father.

My intention will be to link many of the resources I learned from to perhaps help others that are in that same situation…

~Music to My Ears~

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book” (Psalm 56:8, NLT).

Do you know how important you are to God? He cares so much about every detail of your life. He cares about your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. In fact, what you are going through is so important to Him that He records every sorrow and collects every tear you’ve shed. Why would God record your sorrows and collect your tears? Because He loves you so much, and He is your Vindicator. He’s keeping account of every wrong that’s ever been done to you so that He can make up for every single one of them. He wants to restore everything that has ever been stolen. He wants to heal every single hurt and pain. He sees the longings and desires of your heart, and you can rest knowing that He is working things out for your good!

So today, know that you are precious to Him. He has your best interest at heart. He is working to bring restoration and peace to you. Keep standing, keep believing, and keep doing the right thing because the One who collects your tears will restore every broken place in your life!

Heavenly Father, thank You for loving me and setting me free. Thank You for being my Vindicator. I choose to release every hurt, pain and sorrow, knowing that You will make all things new in Your time. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

 

How could I have possibly heard any sweeter words today? Our Heavenly Father is awesome!