~502 DAYS~

I am at peace and comforted with my decision to once again address his resistance to any healing, and accept his choice, and honor mine as well. Yes, I am angry….but that is an issue that I need to deal with and heal from. Without that anger, I don’t think I would have been able to successfully separate myself from the ‘pull’ that was holding me captive in a dark, evil place.

502 days ago, I ended a post with the above.

It was the day after Ben left, the day our intimate relationship ended, the day my complete healing began.

It’s quite amazing actually, I think back to my state of mind 502 days ago and compare it to today, and all that I prayed for has come to fruition. I was not comfortable back then in my anger and resentment and I longed to be free from it. Those emotions only led to the weapon of Satan himself, confusion. It was difficult for me back then to fully comprehend if my feelings were attributing to the default of the relationship or not. This in turn created doubt within me and I was quickly being defeated by the Master Deceiver. 

Three weeks ago, I received a call from Ben; he had finished this stage of his employment on the pipeline in NV, and after visiting his daughter in San Diego, he said he would be passing through my area on his way home to Indiana. I asked if he would stop by for a visit, and to meet the new members of my family; my mustang & burro babies and my Bloodhound. He replied he would if he was invited.

I got a call on a Friday afternoon, he was in the area. We met for a drink after I finished work, visited for about an hour, and planned on him coming to the ranch the next day. That evening, he  half listened to what had been happening in my life for the 502 days since we had seen each other (there was a brief visit in that interim when he was in the area in October heading up to work in NV, we visited among friends in Tombstone) and  the conversation spiraled onto the ‘all about him’ phase.  I knew this was his narcissism, and I felt empathy for him as I now understand he is a ‘victim’ of the ruler of darkness. I was held captive for an hour and a half longer than I had wanted listening to his stories of his 502 days; not wanting to be rude, I gave him my full attention.

The next day, we visited, spent a few moments with the horses, he helped set my AC unit up, then the afternoon was spent talking about his phone(?!).. a new toy..I offered to take him for a bite to eat before he left and that went fairly well. He allowed Marie to even sit next to him at the table, and never cringed over the sounds of other people crunching on chips and salsa. You see, he has a problem with OCD as well.

It was early evening, we came back to the ranch, said good-bye and he heading for home. For two days during his drive, he was texting me, sending me pics of various things ie: semi load of hay and the communication between us was positive and simple.

My reason for writing this post, 502 days ago I was a very angry lady, bitter, overwhelmed, confused, scared, depressed and unforgiving. I couldn’t see that light at the end of that dark tunnel, that place where I desired to be. I was consumed with negative emotions. I can recall Ben saying at various times with what appeared to be sincerity, that if we separate, he would wish that we could remain friends. I used to chuckle to myself with that ‘Yeah right’ attitude.

Today, I’m there, healing is possible, I have forgiven, and the only residual emotion that remains from the four years of hell is a bit of depression and a longing to have a compatible companion, a helper in my life. But those feelings were there before Ben & I ever met and throughout the four years together. He was never a ‘helper’ to me, but more like a dependent, I carried the weight of the relationship obligations entirely.

I haven’t heard much from him for three weeks now, but I no longer ponder the aspects of it. It doesn’t matter. Our days together will be no more, and a friendship does remain. I no longer have to take it personal if he doesn’t call or communicate, and I can almost guess he’s so deeply involved with his issues of narcissism & OCD that he cannot communicate. He purchased a new truck when he went home, and I am sure it is consuming all his time. 

502 days, and I am free!

~Healing & Scripture~

I haven’t been feeling well for a few months, and in trying to sort it all out and ‘get better’ I’ve turned to scripture for answers.
I discovered that it’s all connected, since the beginning of ‘my’ time. I started reading the book written by Henry W. Wright, A MORE EXCELLENT WAY, and the words I read as I flip through the pages just seem to click!
I believed that I was suffering from an under-active thyroid, and have been wanting to get some meds for a while now. But something deep inside me tells me {without reading a single word from this book} that there’s something deeper.
Thus the reasoning behind the ‘click’ in the text of the above mentioned book.

In reading excerpts from this book, I’ve come to realize that most of these ailments are rooted in FEAR….an new awareness began to birth….fear…makes sense, I can see where I have been fearful and anxiety filled most of my life. The connection between physical ills and spiritual bondages of demons.
Sounds intense? It is, but at the same time one begins to wrap their mind around this complexity, the simpleness of it also takes root. I began to think as I went about my morning tasks, this ‘fear’ thing seems to be huge! Where would I begin?
I’m tired, I’m ill, my fight seems to be gone. I began to talk to God~ “Father, I need you to simply step in here and take control, I really am clueless as to what I could or should possibly do here.” I began to think that it would be simple just to be as a child and have no thought or concern for anything, except the here and now, this very moment.
As I take a breather from cleaning; I sit down and glance at the page that this book is opened to; here is the sripture from the Good Book that jumps out at me: “And I said, Verily, I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 18:3

Right there, we are instructed by God to tear down the barriers and become as little children, do you remember those days as a child? Become vulnerable again, and look to our Father in heaven for protection and guidance.

Principality ~ A Word

Often, understanding comes from the simplest moments.

In some conversation the other day, I spoke the word, ‘principality’. When I spoke that word, the listener who is wise in the things of the Spiritual realm interrupted, “do you know what principality is?” I listened, eager for knowledge, awareness, Truth.  This verse was spoken, Eph 6:12: “For our wrestling is not against flesh and blood, but against the principalities, against the powers, against the world-rulers of this darkness, against the spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”

WOW! Talk about an eye~opening moment! This verse is telling us that we are battling against something we cannot see, smell, touch. The FIRST ‘thing’ mentioned in this verse is ‘principalities’….so, what is it?

Principalities/Princes – derived from Latin princeps (sing.) and principates (pl.). The Greek of the Septuagint Old Testament and of the New Testament is arche (sing.) and archai (pl.), from archomai, beginning or commencement. The implication is that the arche or prince is the principle of order, the ruler of a principality. The Hebrew word used is sar, and carries the same meaning.

So, a principality IS  ’something’ that is ruled by a ‘prince’. That’s simple, makes sense. BUT, (and this is very insightful!), in Scripture, this word is referring to the spiritual, not physical world or realm.  There alone in Eph. 6:12, it is simply and clearly emphasized that the battles we are facing TODAY, EVERYDAY, are NOT good, but EVIL. It states, the battle is against the WORLD ruler of this DARKNESS!

When that word rolled off my tongue in that simple conversation, it’s intention was ‘good’, yet unknowingly, in that moment when it was spoken, a TRUTH was revealed to me. In reference to the topic which included this one seemingly insignificant word, it was a REAL eye~opener, a revelation of what really was involved in that particular event.

So, this ‘principality’ that a battle is waged against, what is it’s weapon(s)? Confusion and deception.

When I said, ….” but based on principality, I was not going to accept a severance pay because I knew I did no wrongs”…. That whole entire situation that occurred 2 years ago was presented to me in a whole new light! I was deeply involved in a battle AGAINST a PRINCIPALITY, subjected to the weapons of the prince of ‘this’ world, confusion and deception. I was delivered safely from this battle, and I see that the ‘enemy’ was defeated.

A situation experienced, over, and now ‘clearly’ understood. As complicated as life seems, the answers lie in the simple Truth.

It is Satan’s purpose to deceive these nations and to keep them from obtaining a knowledge of God’s truth and salvation through His Son Jesus Christ. In the book of Revelation, chapter 20, Satan is depicted as a deceiver of nations. The Greek word for deceive is planaho, and according to Strong’s Greek Dictionary, this word means to “cause to roam from safety, truth or virtue, go astray, seduce, wander, and to be out of the way.”

Satan’s major success, in deceiving a nation, is due to a lack of discernment on the part of the people.  The people are blind to the invisible forces of supernatural evil that are operating and influencing their visible human agents of political, social, religious and philosophical programs. Satan’s greatest victory would be to convince the world that he just doesn’t exist. However, God signifies the devil as the author of sin, sickness and death, and warns us to be alert and vigilant because the devil, as a roaring lion roams about seeking whom he may devour (1 Pet. 5:8).

The devil controls the kingdoms of the world and we are not to underestimate his influence and power, nor believe that this is the will of God.  God is telling us to “stand” against these evil forces by equipping ourselves with the power of God, and looking unto Christ as our example.

Our Spiritual Warfare is Against “Spiritual Wickedness in Heavenly Places”

The Greek word for wickedness is ponēria and means depravity and particularly in the sense of malice and mischief, plots, sins, and iniquity (Strong’s Gk. Dict.).

Malice [A. H. Dict.] is defined as:

1. A desire to harm others or to see others suffer; extreme ill will or spite.

2. Law — The intent, without just cause or reason, to commit a wrongful act that will result in harm to another.

Satan is also depicted as the prince of the power of the air

Since Satan is the prince of the power of the air, these wicked spirits, in high places, are often understood to be the collective organization of all of Satan’s devil spirits.  These malevolent spirits work evil and mischief and operate in our atmosphere. They operate as close to the very air we breathe, and reach to realms beyond.  All kinds of spiritual filth are propagated , in these realms, for the purpose of humanity’s deception and subsequent destruction. Prior to becoming a Christian we too walked according to the prince of the power of the air.

Our Spiritual Warfare is Against “Powers and World Rulers of Darkness”

The Greek word for “powers” is exousia which means derived or conferred authority, the warrant or right to do something, or delegated influences of control.  Although the word “powers” is left unclear as to Paul’s precise meaning in the verse, this expression is used elsewhere in scripture to infer the powers that be in authority. In keeping with the context of this verse, this would include all high-ranking, evil supernatural powers and the power of sin and evil in operation in the world. The fruits of this type of evil can probably be seen in drug cartels, gross poverty, plagues, terrorism, and other heinous crimes against humanity, even toward the animal kingdom.

Some Christian authors also associate “world rulers” with magic and demonic pagan gods such as the Ephesians’ Artemis and seems to be in line with the pagan culture of ancient times, in which temples were dedicated to these demonic pagan deities. And let us not forget “Molech,” the national god of the Ammonites’ in Old Testament history.  The priests would place the sacrificial children into the brass hands of the image, in which these helpless victims would slip into the fire below.  This is described in Scripture as the “abominations of the nations” (2 kings 16:3 ASV).

Eph. 6:11, “Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.”

ARMOR(?): THE WORD AND THE TRUTH!

What can we take from this?  When we feel overwhelmed, confused, deceived, & hopeless…..we need to step back for a moment….take it to prayer….and seek the clarity to understand exactly what is really taking place. It is NOT the person or entity that is right there before you with whom the battle is with, but with the spiritual ‘princes’ of darkness with whom the REAL battle is against. Thus the significance of forgiveness…because that ‘one’ right there in front of you is a ‘weapon’ of the Prince of Darkness, ruler of ‘THIS’ world! They, themselves are confused, deceived and are unaware of what is REALLY taking place!

Scriptural Reference:  Col. 2:15, Col. 1:16, Eph. 6:12, Eph. 3:10, Romans 8:38, Daniel 12:1,

Daniel 10:21, Daniel 10:13,

~Understanding Anger~

2 02 2010

In hindsight of recent events, where a deranged young person took the lives of several innocent people and tried to murder Gabbie Giffords, leaving her fighting for her life, I feel it’s important to take a step back and take a better look at the emotion of anger.

Stories of destructive anger in its various forms pop up all over the world.

Well, you wouldn’t do anything like that (e.g. murder) because you got angry. But have you ever lost your temper? Do you ever do things you wish you had not done? Or, have you said words you wish you never had said?

Therapy for destructive anger is a process that takes time. To outline what I do (for myself and others who need to get free from this), you could find the following 4 kinds of anger (with Scripture passages for you to read) a helpful reference along with a statement that describes what needs to be done for each one:

1. SUDDEN ANGER
Scriptures to Read: Proverbs 14:17; 15:18; 18:13; 19:19
Therapeutic Key: Sudden anger is to be CONTROLLED.

2. SINFUL ANGER
Scriptures to Read: Matthew 5:21; Romans 12:19
Therapeutic Key: Sinful anger is to be CONDEMNED.

3. STUBBORN ANGER
Scriptures to Read: Eph 4:26, 31-32
Therapeutic Key: Stubborn anger is to be CONQUERED.

4. SANCTIFIED ANGER
Scriptures to Read: Eph 4:26; Mark 3: 1-5
Therapeutic Key: Sanctified anger is to be CHANNELED.

~Pathway to the Nitty-Gritty~

Being gone from blogging for 5 months has meant that I’ve ventured down a different pathway. Not all sunshine & green, full of light, but the rays are shining through the dark clouds hiding the truth. It’s the pathway to dicovery…the discovery of Truth!

It’s really been amazing, the little spots of ahhhaaa moments God’s places alongside the path. I just step back for a moment and smile.

I want to share an excerpt from a book I’ve been trying to finish for weeks now, that was shared with me by one of those little ahhhaa’s that I have recently been blessed with in my life!

Most of you who know me and where I have been in the last two years of my life will be quite amazed to learn that the little aaahhaaa who shared this book with me is  my supervisor, my boss at work. Quite a miraculous turn of events  from what my life was like two years ago this month! A beautiful, brilliant ray of clarity, shining down upon this path, glistening in all His splendor, in the form of a fellow human being!

This excerpt has everything to do with my life’s experiences and the clarity I have asked for seemingly for years now.

I share this because of another amazing majestic ray of light that is flowing through the clouds of darkness that have hovered over my days for many years. This ray of light given to me by Him, is in the form of an innocent child, beautiful, pure, full of hope and wonder, life glistens from his eyes. He wore a crown of shining blonde hair, and purity was in his heart. This was all taken away, the beauty and splendor of a child long ago, his innocence damaged, his thoughts of beauty and love tarnished. For many years, the ray of light lie sleeping under a dark cloud of unknown origin, until now. Now, where that beautiful innocent little boy was; there is a man, graying with wisdom, an occasional glare of pain and confusion in his glance. But the light, that beautiful pure, innocent ray of light still glistens from within! Praise God, what a gift, a blessing richer than any amount of wealth. I could have never imagined life would turn out this way. Ironic, what I had desired to feel and see my whole life in the existence of another, I see now in his seed.

With that said, the clarity I am only beginning to understand has to do with blessings and curses. We believe in blessings, we acknowledge them and give thanks for them when we experience them. But digging deeper into the realm of the meaning of life, we must acknowledge the spiritual world beyond the physical. So, curses…one might ask, why do I ponder this? Having an analytical existence, in order for me to comprehend, I must search for the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end.

This seems to be the pathway of understanding the Creator is taking me down, and in order to understand the dynamics of not only my life, my the lives of generations within my family, I must understand curses. Although I have yet to place every piece to this puzzle together, enough of them are in place, that I am beginning to see the picture. Understanding life.

The Book is titled: Blessing or Curse by Derek Prince.

P.182: (Prince goes into great detail describing Christs’ death on the cross and the deep spiritual meaning of His suffering) …  Jesus became the curse that we might receive the blessing….

What stood out to me today was this:

P.180: …..’and about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?”‘

What was Jesus experiencing in the form of a human for us?

P.180….There is a wound that is often more agonizing than shame. It is rejection. Usually this stems from some form of broken relationship. In its earliest form, it is caused by parents who reject their own children. The rejection may be active, expressed in harsh, negative ways, or it may be merely a failure to show love or acceptance…..The breakup of a marriage is another frequent cause of rejection. This is pictured vividly in the words of the Lord in Isaiah 54:6, ” The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit- a wife who married young, only to be rejected,” says your God.(NIV)

….God’s provision for healing the wound of rejection is recorded in Matthew 27:46, 50, which describes the culmination of the agony of Jesus: “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” Jesus when he cried out again with a loud voice, yielded up His Spirit.

For the first time in the history of the universe, the Son of God called out to His father and received no response. So fully was Jesus identified with man’s iniquity(sin) that the uncompromising holiness of God caused Him to reject even His own Son. In this way Jesus endured rejection in its most agonizing form: rejection by a father…. Almost immediately after that Jesus died, not of the wounds of crucifixion, but of a broken heart. Thus fulfilling prophecy in Psalms 69:20 “Reproach has broken my heart.”

…Jesus bore our shame that we might share His glory. Jesus endured our rejection that we might have His acceptance as children of God.

….The evil came upon Jesus THAT THE GOOD MIGHT BE OFFERED TO US.

We must learn to apply this principal in our lives, it releases God’s provision for every need!

….now you must lay hold of this principal to meet that special need in your life: release from the curse. Paul describes the relevant aspect of the exchange in Galatians 3: 13-14, “Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law having become a curse for us (for it is written, “Cursed is everyone who hangs on a tree”), that the blessing of Abraham might come upon the Gentiles in Christ Jesus, that we might receive the promise of the Spirit THROUGH FAITH(emphasis, mine).”

Why do I see this so significant to record it here, and share it? Because, I believe that God has revealed to me today the curse of rejection, a generational curse that has been in place within my family. My generation, the generation before me, and the generation after me. I want this curse to be gone, I want it to be removed, as Christ bore this sin for us upon the cross, and I want healing to begin for all, in Jesus’ name.

Signs & Wonders!

As I was finishing my writing, my phone went off, I had a text. I waited to check it.

It was my oldest daughter texting me to tell me that Jr. had woken from his nap and began searching the house for sissy. I found this to be an interesting paradox considering the topic of this post; sissy lives with me, gramma and the siblings don’t get to see each other every day. I imagine Jr was dreaming of his sissy, but the timing of this is certainly significant!

In case you’re wondering, why sissy lives with gramma, well… the horses live here! ‘Nough said!

Out of the Shadows

Aug. 2010

Three weekends ago my daughter, granddaughter & I went to spend the day in Tombstone. A family friend was going to ride bulls, and we went to support him.

We also needed to reconnect with some friends whom we hadn’t seen in a long time.

As we walked the boardwalks in Tombstone we seen familiar faces, and went to find Charlie a family friend. We went to Kate’s where other friends work and drink, and Charlie it seemed was leaving a trail of animosity behind him. Everyone we spoke with said he was on the warpath and to stay away. We planned on having a late lunch and passing time before Michael was riding.

We found Charlie, and met some folks new to the area, and discovered he was indeed on the warpath, but over minor situations. Over a beer we heard the story for the third time. Doc came in to the Palace to say hello, and proceeded to tell me that he had seen Ben just the day before. I listened intently, certain he was mistaking. He told me that he and another guy who looked like Patrick Swazey had told him that they just drove in directly from Indiana. My thoughts were racing, it’s not possible, his daughter’s getting married in just 2 weeks. Why would he spend 2 months at home and leave just 2 short weeks from her wedding date. Doc was certain he knew exactly what he was talking about. I tried to sort out who this mystery man could be, not recalling anyone who looked like Swazey. I listened as Doc told me everything he knew. He was so nice in letting me know all.  After 30 minutes or so, Doc quieted and turned his attention on yet another person whom he may consider to become a member of his theater organization.

We went on to have lunch. We enjoyed visited with other friends whom we had lots to catch up on with. And we went out to the hitching post so Marie could practice her usual ‘ride the hitchin’ post’ routine. I don’t recall who I was talking to or who was around me, I only recall someone pointing to just behind me and gesturing for me to look that way. I turned and seen Ben standing there grinning as if it was all a dream. It did not seem possible to be reality. I must have had the look of shock on my face, and for a few seconds I was speechless. He didn’t say anything, just stood there grinning the grin of the chesire cat …. My attention turned to the man that was with him, and I then realized it was his cousin Anthony. I offered a greeting hug to him, and mumbled something to the effect of, ” What are you guys doing?”……

5 months ago I began recording details of this scenario, I never posted, as it was not finished. It’s been 5 months since I have even been to this blog. Life’s different path of knowledge has taken me down a different road….I’m posting it today, unfinished.

I won’t stay gone so long this time. And I’m ready to share this with others.

Deb

What Does Scripture Say About Abuse?

  

             God hates divorce and violence~

v     Mal. 2:13-16~ Another thing you do: you flood the Lord’s alter with your tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from you hands. You ask, “Why?” It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and your wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner,  the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. “I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering of himself (or his wife) with violence as well as with his garment,” says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.

God clearly states He hates violence, in this passage He speaks clearly of a man’s violence against his partner or wife.

The original language uses the Hebrew word shalach in this passage. The words used for divorce are: ‘garash’ and ‘kariythuwth’. These two words are used to identify legal divorce in the old testament. The correct translation for ‘shalach’ is to push away, send away, cast out. In this passage, God is speaking of how these men are treating their current wives. God calls this treachery which is translated: to cover, to act covertly, deal deceitfully, to pillage, by implication.

The better translation of this passage would be: God hates violation of ‘marital oneness. God always looks at the ‘heart’ of the matter(s).

      Man’s role as a husband and father~

 

v     Col. 3:19~ Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

v     Eph. 6:4~ And now a word to you parents. Don’t keep scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and resentful. Rather, bring them up with the loving discipline the Lord himself approves, with suggestions and godly advice.

v     I Peter 3:7~ Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

v     Eph. 5:21-30~ Honor Christ by submitting to each other. You wives must submit to your husbands’ leadership in the same way you submit to the Lord. For a husband is in charge of his wife in the same way Christ is in charge of His body of the church. (He gave his very life to take care of it and be its Savior!.) So you wives must willingly obey your husbands in everything, just as the Church obeys Christ.

Eph.5:22, leads some to believe the role of submission permits abuse or mistreatment of a spouse. The true meaning is the demonstration of the husband’s role as initiator of unconditional love. The wife then is a responder ‘willingly’ placing herself under his leadership. Submission is not something to be taken, rather to be given.

Wives are told to be submissive to the husband’s leadership, but what is the proper leadership that is being spoken of? Christ’s example’s of being the Leader of the Church is one of SERVANT LEADERSHIP, serving the Church even to giving His own life to care for the Church.

 

“Not only is it entirely biblical for a wife to flee or otherwise refuse to submit to abuse for her and her children’s physical and emotional well being, but not submitting to an abusive husband is also best for the husband. Wives are to do good to their husbands (Prov 31:12), and one of the best ways wives of abusive husbands can do this is by challenging the abusive behavior through fleeing, filing assault charges, contacting church authorities or by otherwise stimulating real accountability and painful consequences for the abusive behavior. Refusing to submit to abuse and instead taking action to not allow it to continue is good for the husband because:

(1) this is one of the best ways to break through the abusers’ distorted thinking and stimulates repentance.

(2) It decreases the temporal and eternal consequences which accrue the
longer a husband abuses.”

No where in scripture does God instruct a husband to dispense punishment to his wife for any reason. God is the head of the home. Although husbands and wives are spiritually equal in God’s sight, the husband is to be a SERVANT LEADER and the wife is to respect her husband and graciously submit to his leadership. This does not mean submit to abuse or evil!

v     Eph. 5:31-33~ For we are members of His body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery – but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife AS HE LOVES HIMSELF, and the wife must respect her husband.

v     Col. 3:12~ Therefore as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

It clearly states here that ALL must forgive, not just the wife, but the husband also.

v     Col. 3:18~ Wives, submit to your husbands, AS IS FITTING IN THE LORD. Husbands, LOVE YOUR WIVES AND DO NOT BE HARSH WITH THEM. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, DO NOT EMBITTER your children, or they will become discouraged.

v     I Peter 3:7~ Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and TREAT THEM WITH RESPECT as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing hinders your prayers.

Men are to be patterned to love their wives like Jesus loves the church. It’s described as a sacrificial kind of love. Abuse of any kind, verbal emotional, physical or spiritual is diametrically opposed to sacrifice. The behaviors of abuse are selfish and self-seeking. In other verses, we are instructed to ‘stay away’ from those who do evil. II Tim. 3:1-8 speaks of the personality traits of an abuser. It warns us to AVOID such people. Gal. 5:19-21 describes such people again with additional detail. It states this information has been said before and indicates its importance. Verse 21 states that those with this mindset (or heart) will not inherit the Kingdom of Heaven. Clearly, God hates abuse!

 

v     I Peter 3: 10-11~ For “ Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it.”

v     Prov.2: 12-15~ Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are perverse, who leave the straight paths to walk in dark ways, who delight in doing wrong and rejoice in the perverseness of evil, whose paths are crooked and who are devious in their ways.

v     Prov.2: 7-8~ Do not be conceited, sure of your own wisdom. Instead, trust and reverence the Lord, and turn your back on evil; when you do that, then you will be given renewed health and vitality.

v     II Tim. 3:1-8~ But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of good. Treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God – having the form of godliness but denying its power. HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM.

v     Gal. 5: 19-21~ The acts of the sinful nature are obvious, sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery, idolatry and witchcraft, hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy, drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

v     Gal. 6: 8~ If he sows to please his own wrong desires, he will be planting seeds of evil and he will surely reap a harvest of spiritual decay and death…..

Scripture warns against being narcissistic. It is described as ‘evil’.

v     Prov. 19:19~ A short-tempered man must bear his own penalty; you can’t do much to help him. If you try once you must try a dozen times.

v     Prov.22: 24-25~ Keep away from angry, short-tempered men, lest you learn to be like them and endanger your soul.

v     Prov. 11: 29~ The fool who provokes his family to anger and resentment will finally have nothing worthwhile left…

v     Prov. 11: 9~ Evil words destroy. Godly skill rebuilds.

v     James 3: 2-6~ If anyone can control his tongue, it proves he has perfect control over himself in every other way. We can make a large horse turn around and go wherever we want by means of a small bit in his mouth. And a tiny rudder makes a large ship turn wherever the pilot wants it to go, even though the winds are strong. So also the tongue is a small thing, but what enormous damage it can do. A great forest can be set on fire with one tiny spark. And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is full of wickedness, and poisons every part of the body. And the tongue is set on fire by hell itself, and can turn our whole lives into a blazing flame of destruction and disaster.

Scripture talks about VERBAL ABUSE, and warns us against it. The whole chapter of James 3 speaks of verbal abuse.

v     Eph. 4: 31-32~ Stop being mean, bad-tempered and angry. Quarreling, harsh words, and dislike of others should have no place in your lives. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God had forgiven you because you belong to Christ.

v     Eph. 5: 1-2~ Follow God’s example in everything you do just as a much loved child imitates his father. Be full of love for others, following the example of Christ who loved you……

Read additional verses of scripture on violence and abuse.

v     Eph. 4: 22-27~ …then throw off your old evil nature – the old you that was a partner in your evil ways – rotten through and through, full of lust and sham. Now your attitudes and thoughts must all be constantly changing for the better. Yes, you must be a new and different person, holy and good. Clothe yourself with this new nature. Stop lying to each other, tell the truth, for we are parts of each other and when we lie to each other we are hurting ourselves. If you are angry, don’t sin by nursing a grudge. Don’t let the sun go down with you still angry – get over it quickly; for when you are angry you give a mighty foothold to the devil.

Psalms 4: 14-17, describes abusers and tells us to stay away. Proverbs 6: 12-19 describes for us a wicked man. It tells us that body language reveals a person’s true intentions. It goes on to list seven things the Lord hates!

v     Ps. 4: 14- 17~ Don’t do as the wicked do. Avoid their haunts – turn away, go somewhere else, for evil men can’t sleep until they’ve done their evil deed for the day. They can’t rest unless they cause someone to stumble and fall. They eat and drink wickedness and violence.

v     Prov.6: 12:19~ Let me describe for you a worthless and wicked man; first, he is a constant liar; he signals his true intentions to his friends with eyes and feet and fingers. He is always thinking up new schemes to swindle people. He stirs up trouble everywhere. But he will be destroyed suddenly, broken beyond hope of healing. For there are six things the Lord hates – no, seven; Haughtiness, lying, murdering, plotting evil, eagerness to do wrong, a false witness, sowing discord among others.

v     Mal. 2:16~ For the Lord, the God of Israel says he hates divorce and cruel men….

v     Prov. 15:28~ A good man thinks before he speaks, the evil man pours out his evil words without a thought.

v     Prov.16:30~ The wicked man stares into space with pursed lips, deep in thought, planning his evil deeds.

v     Prov. 27:24-26~ A man with hate in his heart may sound pleasant enough, but don’t believe him; for he is cursing you in his heart. Though he pretends to be so kind, his hatred will finally come to light for all to see.

v     Ps. 55:20-21~ This friend of mine betrayed me – I who was at peace with him. He broke his promises. His words were oily smooth, but in his heart was war. His words were sweet, but underneath there were daggers.

All of Psalms 55 is VERY powerful!

v     Luke 17:3-4~ … “Rebuke your brother if he sins, and forgive him if he is sorry. Even if he wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, forgive him.

Forgiveness is for you, not the abuser. Their repentance, not your forgiveness is what will finally bring about healing.

Let me close with a look at Psalms 55 again. There are times when the wisest thing to do is to remove yourself from a dangerous situation. We all have the right to be safe, you should not have to live in fear in your own house.

v     Ps. 55:3-8~ My enemies shout against me and threaten me with death. They surround me with terror and plot to kill me. Their fury and hatred rise to engulf me. My heart is in anguish within me. Stark fear overpowers me. Trembling and horror overwhelm me. Oh for wings like a dove to fly away and rest! I would fly to the far – off deserts and stay there. I would flee to some refuge from all this storm.

In closing, there are numerous verses in scripture which refer to abuse. What is noted here is only a small portion of what God says in regard to abuse. If you are a victim of abuse in what should be a loving and caring relationship, it is my hope that you will find validation in God’s word, that you as a human being and creation of God, deserve healing, goodness, and love.

 

~Avoiding Abuse~

It really is everywhere. In the quick comments people make, in intimate relationships, workplace, government, religion.

Scripture tells us to ‘avoid’ abuse, else we may be ‘like’ them (the abusers). God, the Creator wants us to choose to live a happy abundant life. For a long time, I have often contemplated the struggle between good & evil, and pondered what one is to do about it, or with it. I believe the answer is simple, ‘avoid’.

After over 4 decades of life, I have begun to apply this principle in my living. I ended an abusive relationship that was very toxic and dysfunctional, after 4 years of giving it my best, and doing all I knew I was called to do. It was difficult, it hurt, but it was what had to be done. To ‘love’ someone and to be loved is an awesome experience. To be able to share all life’s up’s & down’s with another person, to give yourself to another feels good & wholesome. I truly ‘loved’ this person, and continue to love this person, but now in a much different way. No longer will my love permit or enable abuse. That’s WHY I needed to end that relationship, despite my love for that person. He’s gone, and now over 2,000 miles away. I no longer have to be concerned if I would run into him somewhere, or if he may randomly drop by. When I ended the relationship, I absolutely had to go ‘no contact’, I was not strong enough to continue communications while trying to end the relationship and allow healing to take place in my life. Recently, photo’s of him flashed across a computer screen, my instant reaction was to stop it, to erase them so I wouldn’t have to be exposed to the pain of what seems like a failure, ( having the love for a person, and having to end a relationship with them). But then I realized that I was beginning to ‘see’ things I had never acknowledged before. I can ‘see’ the sickness in this persons life, in his soul… just by looking at photos of him. My empathy has taken on a whole new perspective. Forgiveness is developing in a whole new way. I no longer will have empathy or excercise forgiveness by sacrificing my life, my happiness. By enabling the abuse to continue. This is NOT the way God intended relationships to be. The discord is the work of Satan.

So the relationship ends, the healing I have prayed for so long begins. There was to be no healing within the relationship for me or my family. Family & relationships is in every way ‘teamwork’. It takes active participation of all parties involved to make it a success. He wasn’t WILLING to heal, therefore it made it impossible for me or anyone else to heal or be happy in the relationship. This was not a failure on my part, rather a failure of the one who refused to grow or heal. One can continue to love, if it is true it doesn’t go away in a flash…but there are seasons when one must love from a distance. It’s simple really. As a Christian, we cannot allow or enable abuse to continue, for by doing so we are permitting sin. We are permitting Satan to have control & effect over our lives, and the lives of others. God does not want that for us, and tells us clearly in His Word. His laws and written Word are also simple really….it’s like looking for something on a shelf, not being able to see it even though it’s right there in front of you. The vail of ignorance needs to be removed.

One can begin to see the coorealation between the physical relm and the spiritual relm of life, and how the application of the spiritual laws or the lack of them can have a profound effect on the quality of life. Since the conception of this dysfunctional relationship, the quality of my life has been minimal at best. I have been repeatedly exposed to toxic situations and people. It continues to occur. I continue to learn how to navigate through it, and to be able to turn the scenario’s into ‘good’.

Most recently, I took a position of employment that at the beginning appeared to be a blessing. I had been out of work for a little over a year and the prospects of gainful employment was encouraging. After being in this position for a number of weeks, the effects of toxic people and a toxic environment were weighing heavy on my spiritual and physical health. That yucky ‘gut feeling’ was present and overwhelming, and I knew I had a heavy decision to make. Situations in the workplace continually catapulted to negatives, and they began to mount up. I began to feel tired, drained, hopeless. I mediated long and hard for the reasoning of why this would be happening, since I know God wants what is best for us in our lives; and I had just ended the toxic relationship I endured for 4 years. When I took the position, I felt perhaps this was where God wanted me to be, and perhaps even healing could take place for me there. Still the negatives mounted. I got to the point where I felt I really didn’t want to be there anymore, and the minus’ outweighed the pluses. I had to pray about it, asking what the Creator wanted me to do. Those toxic feelings remained. I was concerned about my safety and health. The red flags continued to rise. 4 days ago, I stepped out in faith and took action to end all the negatives surrounding this job and abruptly quit. It felt like it was what needed to be done in order to secure my well-being. had it not been for the concern of my safety, I would have done the right thing for the employer and given my 2 weeks notice. I considered the toxic effects that originated from the employer. I was not able to feel confident that all would be well for the remaining 2 weeks, and I quit at the last minute. This was a very hard decision for me to make, for the ‘me’ does not give up easily. I’m a fighter and stubborn, always determined to get it right. But what I had to realize was that circumstance doesn’t involve just me, my attitude, my actions. It involves the effort of a team. Everyone needs to be WILLING to step up and do their part. This was not happening, nor was it going to happen. There was too much selfishness, greed, anger for any good to occur. Am I a failure for quitting? I don’t think so. For by doing so, I am regaining my peace and happiness, my security in Christ. I am learning to be faithful in believing that God has a plan for me and wishes for me to follow a different direction. He knows what my needs are, and He desires to provide them all for me. It’s interesting to reflect back and see all the red flags, to evaluate all my reasoning and decisions. How signs were placed right in front of me to help me make the right decisions, and how those signs escalted until that certain decision to leave was made. Perhaps it is my stubborness to stick it out that needs to be broken. Nevertheless, it was imperative that I not waste time and take action. Today, I am recovering from the toxins and looking forward to what God has in store for me.

A little time to reflect, heal, and pray. Then it’s back to searching for the direction God wants me to go. It’s very important that we heed the intuitive feelings and red flags that lie before us. That we heed God’s presence and His Word. In this classroom we call life, there is much to be learned and seemingly so little time to learn it all.

~I Always Wonder~

I always wonder why…Why is a big part of my vocabulary and life. I never really gave it too much consideration before, until recently a counselor I know, in general conversation told me the minute you ask ‘why’ you have defeated any progression of therapy. I’m sure you’ve guessed it… I want to know why, and have yet to sort all that out.

Perhaps one day it will become clear to me, in the meantime I will continue to ask, as it feels ‘normal’ to me.

For a little over a week now, I’ve sensed Ben in and around me. I didn’t know why, it wasn’t something I could place my finger on, I just knew it was there. It caused an anticipation that he may come around or I may run into him somewhere. It caused anxiety that wasn’t obvious, but released itself in the form of a physical ailment for a few hours this past weekend. I wondered what would occur should I be face to face with him, should I hear his voice, should I have to re-engage in a conversation with him. I was uneasy. I tried to express it to family and friends hoping the anxiety would go away, but it never came out clear. I lost my cell last week, and thought, “everything happens for a reason” so perhaps losing the cell was a means from above to protect me from exposure to him. Somehow it made sense to me. Monday, my replacement cell was here, by Tuesday AM it was up and running again with a few glitches, I don’t have all my contacts, etc. Tuesday am, while at work I got a call, I looked, it was Ben. I shut the ringer off. He left a voicemail. I resisted calling to see what message was left, and I became nervous. How dare he place me in this position again. The day we separated and he left, he told me, ” Don’t ever call me then.” I told him not to worry, I would not…I decided to go ‘No Contact’ with him as so many advise, it was my only coping skill. I never did, and it’s been almost 3 months. His voicemail said he had the door for me he had promised to replace for over a year now, the one he busted all to hell in a fit of rage. The one that was to my 7yr. old’s room. That was a terrifying experience, one that I will never forget, in hopes that I will acknowledge all the red flags should I ever decide to try a personal relationship again.

Instantly, I texted him back…I cannot call even though he never (admitted to) texted much. I wanted to avoid all the emotions it would stir in me to hear his voice; anger, love, caring, weakness, vulnerability, hope, all the emotions that kept me tied to him for so long, too long. I told him not to come by the house with me not there and told him roughly when I would be there. A part of me did want to see him again, the hopeful part of me…wanting to think that maybe..just maybe there was some small hope for us yet. He called 2 more times, trying to get me to answer, I did not. He left another voicemail. He said he had the door in his truck and was coming up this way and wanted to drop it off. He said he was leaving sometime this week to go home to Indiana and so needed to get it done. I had to think, quick! I calmed myself, in spite of the fact I wanted to rage at him for even doing this to me. For doing all the negative things he had done in my life. I had to calm down. Once again I texted him back, ” Ok, if you need to drop it off on your way somewhere, please leave it at the gate. Best if I don’t see you anyway, too painful for me and I had said I would go ‘No Contact’ so that I could heal, thanks.” Obviously I’m still healing. I recall reading somewhere in regard to Narcissists that they are ever-present LONG after they are physically gone. I think there is an element of truth to that. At least that’s the way I feel today. I have to utilize all my coping skills to get through this…and one that is unhealthy but SO necessary and out of my hands these days is over-working. I long ago seen a pattern of being what’s referred to as a workaholic. It got me through difficult emotional times before. Many times in the past, it was intentional, these days it is not. It is circumstantial. Life seems to be moving at super-sonic speed.

Being at work when Ben rang, I re-centered myself and went on with my day, various thoughts flashing through my mind. I called the girls at home to let them know that he may come by and drop off a door at the gate.

When I got home, a good friend of mine had driven 25 miles one way to help me change the flat tire I had that morning. Thank you God for my angels here on earth. Christie, my oldest (21) had been cleaning the house all day and was anxious to show me what she had done. In conversation, she told me that she had seen Ben the day before at work in Tombstone and they talked for a bit. She works in a saloon. Ben approached her, and from what she tells me, the conversation was generic. Once again, his existence is a residual in my life. We discuss it briefly, and go about our routines. Why is this happening? What do I do about it? I decide that there is so much to do between work and home, I just need to process this Ben situation quickly and continue on with MY life. No more getting analytical with a situation that has gone no where good for 4 years. No more hoping for that happy relationship with one whom it is impossible.

So many things to think about, drop this issue and move on to something else I tell myself. Still random thoughts race across my mind.

In the evening, my oldest daughter texts me, and informs me that her and her husband are having some relational meltdowns with his mother whom they have lived with for a few months now, since they were hit hard with the economy issues. A raging woman, they were informed that they are to move out within a few days, and no longer permitted to use any other part of the home except their room. They have a 18mo. old son….the rest of the evening my focus was with them. They are moving, and coming out here to stay with me until they can get back on their feet. It was something we had discussed for a while now, but they had wanted to do it in a better way…like finding work BEFORE relocating. Between their situation and the 50hr/week I am currently working there it is, over-working….Ben no longer has any room in my life. He is no longer the center of my existence. Life gets crazy…hectic is good with me, as long as it moves one forward and there is not a whole lot of drama or trauma to cope with.

I’m thinking that perhaps the Creator is exposing me to a whole lot of situations where-in I need to work on not absorbing the negative energy of others. My current work exposes me to a whole lot of negative energy. It’s primary focus is on behavioral treatment. This week, has been interesting…dealing with clients and staff and their issues. In my personal life I got pulled over and cited for 5mph over the speed limit on a road that has no speed limit signs posted. I lost my cell, my best riding horse came up lame so much so, it will be a few weeks at best before healing is complete. my youngest daughter who lives with me called me at work this morning to ‘rage’ all her frustrations on me, she was obviously losing stability, and blamed me (mom)… I was guilty of not engaging in an argument or even a heated discussion over who was at fault… that solves nothing. She was/is resentful and feels I bailed on her in her moment of need. I didn’t, I just have zero tolerance for raging…. I have to keep myself centered or I will be no good for anyone or anything. By afternoon, the situation with her had calmed down….Thank you Father!

I’m getting a crash course on interpersonal/intrapersonal relations whether I like it or not. My actions and reactions in each and every situation I am confronted with will be long remembered, even after I am gone. It will have an effect on others and their actions & skill. What is my saving grace? I remain calm… my reaction will be one with love at the core, being watchful that anything I do is not an enabling behavior for someone else’s negative issues.

Do I need support from someone else? You bet! But it’s not from another person per say, I need the support from our Heavenly Father.

Ben’s going home this week, back to Indiana. That puts over 2,000 miles literally between us. Yes, it saddens me deeply that things did not work out for our relationship….but it was out of my hands. There was nothing more I could do. As I told him, there IS no more good I can do for you. Regardless of whatever I did, providing support…forgiving…loving….within the relationship with him, it all became an ‘enabling’ behavior. It provided no healing for him, me, or anyone else. Toxins filled the air….I did not want to live there anymore, I could not live there anymore. Ben didn’t want to come live with me in the light…. he wished/wishes to remain in the darkness…. I had to go home, back into the light and love of life….I had to stop enabling negative behavior unwillingly.

What is my ultimate thought on all of this? I believe everything happens for a reason, and if one can dig deep enough, prayerfully….one can really begin to see how ALL things are connected, and how our Father uses ALL things for Good. I am thankful he is at the wheel, and I relinquish all control over my life to Him! None of have control over our lives regardless of the facade we place in our lives that makes us think that. The only control we have is to live by faith, live by the guidelines God provides for each of us in the Book (Bible), and make our choices carefully. We all have free will, which means we all have freedom to make our own choices. We must choose carefully! At this stage in my life, I chose to avoid any and all forms of abuse. I chose to not engage in abuse, and I do not desire to be guilty of abuse. I desire to be like the Eagle soaring high to the heavens, staying ever so close to our Creator. No longer will I be a mere leaf blowing where ever the winds decide to take me and merely being tolerant of whatever comes my way…

Father, Thank You for the many blessings in my life, even the experiences that do not appear to be blessings. Thank You for giving me the eyes to see how You work everything out for Good. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

~Chains~

They’re gone…I feel lighter…The ‘sick’ feeling in my heart isn’t there anymore…how could I describe that feeling? As though there is a pulsating emotional or spiritual hurt in the heart, a void….empty of anything good….It’s gone. No longer does my time  revolve around him and what he is doing, thinking, saying. How nice it feels to be able to sit in my home doing my own thing and not worry about him waking up, grouchy and abusive. I will never have to sit again and hear his (what I would describe as evil) moans or screaming in a dream from the bedroom…it’s peaceful now. Sitting & wondering what mood the beast would be in when he opened the door to the new day. My thoughts & actions totally controlled by him, totally taking him and all he is into consideration in all I do. A blessing. Time…my time is once again mine totally to utilize completely for the good of life. He is no longer here to slam doors, literally destroying doors with his fists or putting holes in the walls, there have been many repairs to my home… say nasty threatening things to us, use all the hot water without thought for anyone else. No longer is he here to waste electric while turning around and complaining to the ‘woman who pays the bills’ or to the child who is conservative about their use…such childish trivia. GONE. I no longer have to concern myself with making sure there is foods he likes in the house, at my expense…now I can focus on what I like, what my children like and they are not fussy, but thankful.

I can step outside at sunrise and bask in the morning sun, absorbing all the beautiful things around me. No worries. Peace, serenity. Marie can wake and come out to sit with me and neither of us have to consider the worry of making any small noise and then facing the repercussions of his wrath. No more put downs, no more attacks on a woman’s or childs person. No more telling us who we are, as if he knows better what we are than we do. Life is peaceful. I can leave for work and be worry free of Marie’s safety, no more concern about what he says to her or how he may be abusing her when I’m not available to witness. In rages, he would spew things like, ” I feel like killing her”… SICK! EVIL! There is no more concern of how his behaviors or treatment of her may affect her for the rest of her life….a blessing. The chains have been removed, and there is no more suffering at the hands of one who follows the ‘evil one’.

I no longer have to worry when he may have a change of heart, and begin to take other’s needs, wants, or desires into consideration… or concern myself with how his behavior makes me feel…no longer do I need to concern myself with what he may be doing when he is gone, he was always extremely secretive, suspicious acting… or when he might be thoughtful enough to ring and touch base with one (me) who he chose to spend his days with.

No longer do I need to ‘wonder’ when our relationship might begin to feel right, normal and we as two people could begin to focus on life together, compromising, sharing, working together to build a life full of wholesome happiness. I no longer need to desperately search for answers as to what the dynamics were that were taking place. I no longer have to wonder if it was my behavior, my actions that were the cause of so much confusion and misery. I will never again have the desperation of pleading with him to ‘see’ to ‘understand’ to work with me on healing. I can now love my family and friends, and enjoy my animal family never again having to worry how my ‘nature’ may be affecting him. I can give the rest of my life my undivided attention without worry of hearing his complaints or put downs. I am free to be ME! The eggshells on the floor have been replaced with the hairs of our dog, whom Marie loves to have in the house with her…

God does answer prayer….just not always in the way we would expect. Thus the importance of the words, ” Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.” It shows clearly just how little we as humans really know. It’s humbling. In the last days of this relationship, I diligently searched scripture, seeking answers to what God wanted me to do. So many verses I mediated and studied. I began to see that Father does not accept abuse, control, evil. Although He may place it in our lives for a time, it serves only as a ‘means’ for Good, Growth.

I’m relieved that no longer do I have to ‘feel’ the negative energy… every time I talk to my girls, friends, have friends over…it was MOST miserable; avoiding contact with friends & loved ones in order to avoid any negative repercussions from him…. he would often lock himself in the bedroom with a beer and tv, peaking out the window watching as someone would drive into the yard, paranoid that they would do something intentional to damage his vehicle(s). Last time my best friends came down, he literally sat in the livingroom and said nothing to anyone. At X-mas, he did the same thing, and when my good friend(s) wished him a merry Christmas, he said nothing…. I no longer have to avoid people I like or spending time with them for fear I would face repercussions later, him talking shit, running everyone down, as he often did… even me….one thing I often said to him was, ” You treat me as though I am the dirt beneath your boots.”…Literally, it was that sad…It was deeply felt…

I no longer have to worry that one day he may ‘act’ on his verbal threats, him saying, ”I feel like throwing Marie through the window, I feel like killing her”…(no doubt this is a sick mind and spirit!)….a year or two ago, he said to me, ” If I marry you, I would have to kill you.”…Never did get to the bottom of any meaning behind that one. But hearing that statement created deep confusion, concern, and fear… not something Good, for sure!

I no longer need to watch him waste the day away drinking from 8am on till he fell asleep at night….spend 2 hours in the bathroom, soaking in the tub everyday and making sure his image is perfect for the outside world. I no longer have to shake my head in disbelief watching him walk around his vehicles and utility trailer checking for any mark, and repeatedly checking his locks, over & over, wasting a minimum of an hour…obsessivly caring for any little thing he could find for his ‘stuff’, me thinking, ” I wish he cared for me like he does his vehicles & possessions”, then thinking to myself, ‘I must be losing what sanity I had left’, to have such thoughts. My feelings, gut feelings, and my thoughts were ‘natural’ and ‘pure’….For 4 years, I felt tossed as if in the middle of a torrential ocean, with nowhere to go, but into the same storm…the end seemed as though it did not exist. That feeling of security, safety, of the violent storm finally coming to a close, the warmth of the Sun, the Light once again shining on me, did not exist.

I no longer have to feel pressured or guilty over providing ‘normal’ basic care and attention to Marie. Something I always was being put down for, corrected. It was a confusing feeling, designed to place doubt in my otherwise stable and right mind. He was extremely jealous, of a young child, my older children and all my friends. He methodically and repeatedly tried to extinguish our relationships (mine with anyone else), and nearly succeeded in separating me from ALL others. He succeeded in doing this where it involved me and any of his family members, and his family was a place he could always turn to to talk lies, put me down, complain about his life with me, and always blame me for every single issue in our relationship… all the while ‘glorifying’ himself…because his family supported and enabled his abusive and negative behavior. A VERY sad situation indeed. Six weeks now he has been gone, absolutely no contact, (the way I had to do it), not once has his folks called me just to talk, to hear my thoughts, feelings, to ask me what happened… to all of them; I am the sick, disordered, bossy, bitch, he has portrayed me to be to them. I tried to have a healthy relationship with all his family, I remained the person I am, honest, kind, compassionate, giving, open and inquisitive, there was always a lingering ‘something’ that I could not identify, nor ignore…My gut feelings were going haywire during any time I would spend with him and his family. I sensed something was being kept a secret, I felt as though there were things in his life that I was not permitted to be privy to. Every conversation I ever engaged in with is family and him (with the exception of one) was very generic. My questions about ANYTHING were not well received. I was never allowed to have his parents # or call them without his knowledge. I was not permitted to speak to his daughter, have her phone # or even inquire as to what was going on in her life. It was nunya…none of my business. Why was it SO important to keep lives separate, while trying to maintain an intimate relationship? Hiding that ‘something’ was very strong! The thoughts of what it could possible be raced through my mind, intensely in the beginning, randomly as the years passed. I would question or minimalize my thoughts, ‘it can’t be this way’..I would think. I was only ever able to conclude it was his narcissism. The fuel that powered his whole being. It was maddening…  He could not/cannot allow them (or anyone)  to think badly of him in any way, I was the sacrifice, but the cost was not salvation, but continued evil, the devil maintains his stronghold on him….I held strong during this raging storm, and would not let go of the things that were important to me, and I to them. No matter what was said to me, no matter what raging I was subjected to, no matter any of the negative behaviors, I stood strong….I turned to scripture for answers…I found them! I listened! I asked him to go because he could not/would not humble himself to any healing, any cooperation. He completely lacked empathy, something I felt early on in our relationship, but did not fully understand the implications until years later.

That desperate need of his to control, it was still alive and well the last days… He used to tell me I was controlling, what he was really seeing was my desire to understand, to ask questions and find answers…and his projection of his behaviors onto me….(he had to make me ‘crazy’ in his mind, and thereby make everyone see what he made me, as long as they seen only what he wanted them to see….believe what he told them was the truth…it was lies…all lies!…) to support and enable his continued insanity. It does have a profound affect on one’s perception…It caused unbelievable doubt in my own mind.

Marie recently had her first sleep over, something that was unthinkable when Ben lived here. For many various reasons directly rooted in his behaviors, it was not something that could be done when he lived here.

The Peace experienced in my life now, is an amazing Blessing. I am sad….sadder than I was when I watched my folks ‘Cross Over”… that things could not be normal between us. That is truly all I ever wanted, to spend the rest of my life living happy and wholesome with him. Fairy Tail syndrome? I don’t think so. Just wanting Normal Love, a normal, loving relationship, to finish the last years of my life with one significant person that I could bond with/stay with. It was not to be Ben, I can clearly see that now. I must’ve been deceived in the beginning. For the 4 years that followed, I refused to see or hear reality. That’s where the fairy tale came into play. Not intentionally, but rather naturally, hopefully….confusingly. I do not give up easily anymore, and I tend to hang on for the long haul, hoping for the best, in this case hoping, living faithfully for restoration. It took me a very long time to come to terms with the fact that Ben was unwilling to heal, to change. That he really believes that there is nothing wrong with him, or at least that is what he would like everyone to believe. I think back to when we first met and his statement, “I’m not fit to be around anybody.” If he so easily said this, then it indicates to me that he knows there are issues. Issues that belong to him only. Issues that are no fault of anyone else but his own. I wonder what he thinks these days, if in his heart of hearts, (what little is there), if he blames me to ease his discomfort, to himself…I’m quite sure I am entirely to blame when it comes to discussing our relationship with anyone else. Just as he said many times about his x-wife, “She just left one day, found someone else and left. Otherwise we would most likely still be married.” It was her fault the marriage ended. In his comments, he tried to convince that he was the victim in the marriage, that he was always the perfect husband, that he even bought her a house and that was when she left. All I can say in hindsight is, if he treated her and his daughter the way he treated Marie and myself when we stayed in his home for 4 weeks, it’s no wonder she left and never looked back. After 15 years ( I can’t even imagine) she must have been practically emotionally dead. He did occasionally tell me of violence that took place in the home. I can only guess that there were many forms of abuse taking place.

The reality of the relationship was ~ the evil is so deeply rooted into his being, he does not have the will to see any err in his ways, nor any direction to go to begin healing. There was no more good I could do, it had to end. I could no longer enable the evil spirit within him to cloud our days, to keep us in that dark, cold, lonely place where life withers away. That’s not who I am, it is impossible for me to comprehend life there. I came from the Light, and it is my Home, it is where I belong, where I need to be. I am too old now to be anywhere else but in the Light. It’s where I feel safe, loved. This experience has clearly driven this point home, and I will exercise extreme caution the rest of my days. This is the only Desire I now have, to be Home, with Christ and our Heavenly Father. This was my prayer for my family and myself, my prayer (request) was granted. My prayer for Ben’s healing would not be granted for he like all of us is given free will, and he has chosen the polar opposite. Slowly I began to realize that the only ‘healing’ the only ‘change’ would be to leave the relationship all together. I was so starving for healing…so tired, worn, saddened over the non-stop issues that were so ever present in our daily life. I began to realize that no matter how much I changed, it was not going to fix the issues. And the only way for me to change was to become ‘like’ him….I was there now & then, I felt what it was like to be like him, it was depressing, hopeless, dark….. I needed to get out, to save my spiritual self, to cast Satan and his evildoing out of my life. While I was there where he is, I could literally feel myself dying, withering away into nothingness.

My healing is now in full force…Such a Blessing! I am only sad that Ben too cannot feel healing…. I pray one day he will.